first day off - so...

I'm a teacher.
First day off is today - so I wake up with a sore throat, tired as hell [noting to do with fact I went to be at 2.30am and got p at 7.45am - ta cat and auto waking sequence - no nothing at all...]
anyhow - yes - I'm now awake.
Tired but awake.
If I go to sleep again, I'll just wake up crabbier and even more tired so I'll get an early night and - er..
Right my plans - lets work backwards from it
25th is the Christmas day thing - I'm in Lake district so need to get there. Said I'd be there for the
23rd - so travel to lake district on this date.
21st/22 [20th?] is solstice so need to be there for that - checking date now....2008

21 December, 12.04

right so 21st I want to be somewhere - as eddie izzard puts it -aahhoohharhhhhhmmmmm.

I want to visit two friends in Northampton on route to the lakes and preferably be with them solstice
I'd like to get to Devon too for present giving and picking up things, but looking more unlikely due to amount of travel involved and other factors.

will post more in a bit

passing 101

thank you pascal, toroun and others on the course for support - George Orwell for the fear and the understanding of numbers - and you, dear reader, for your continued support.
What am i going on about? The BSL course I am currently studying - passed the first assessment.
currently really tired, il - coughing lots - apparently heading down to Devon tomorrow - unsure at current though car is now full - packing a bag tomorrow morning anyhow so either way I'm able to...
just gotta decide if well enough for work now. - will decide I morning
hope you're well

renaming the blog?

I'm 30.
part of me, the 12-17 year old of me thought I would never make it - not in a morbid- "I'm gonna die" but in a prophecy, examination of future way of course, I may be dead and not know it - but as I feel alive still, I'm gonna assume the best/worst and be alive some more.
So - 30.
My bed breaks, I have a snowball fight [it snowed on my birthday in London - how cool?!!], lovely drink sessions with friends - watch a burlesque show [mainly a set of drag artists - very good bu not really that 'burlesque' - still fun though, 30 kisses in as many minutes, skulls with disco-balls in [thanks queen of zombies for that], sabine baring gould, chocolate mushrooms, re wine, more red wine, mead, a lovely Indian dinner, some great books, friends, a day off work sick, catch up with work, losing my mobile phone, tutoring, being exhausted - yes, life is pretty much the same, but with more clutter and fun things to play with.

this weekend I go to Somerset and Bristol/bath.

next w/e, i go to devon.

then is run up to Christmas - my bsl exam is next Thursday and, oh yes, my life is still chaotic, calm and dull yet's full of friends and having fun - sigh - wanting more and at the same time just wanting to rest for a bit - had 12 hours sleep yesterday, woke up in middle of night though due to inability to sleep more than 7 hours now.

Now - now I'm trying to get to sleep - updating my blog and wondering whether or not i go straight to he southwest from work and, if so, whether i should pack my overnight bags now or later tomorrow morning - ...
whats a jet setter like me supposed to do??
[sleep...]

getting a cake out of my wife

ok - well that title could have been slightly less innuendo - tomorrow night I'm going to the World's End Pub in Camden - yay me - my birthday celebrations in london kick off....
10 pm firday night my wife [long story short: basically a woman called Alexia on new year's eve a few year's back, said that she couldn't be embarrassed - i said i could - I stood on a chair and announced that I'd like everyone in that pub to raise a glass to my new wife to be as I has just asked her to marry me and she had said yes [ she hadn't done anything of the sort]
she, me 'wife' went scarlet, and for the next hour people congratulated us, one even bought us both a drink!!!

so yes - tomorrow she's brining cake hopefully, my friends from uni are coming and some others from LARP and we will all get messy with booze... yay

egg moon

So, on the way home from a debauched night out at 'fire', two children describing the moon as an egg - and yes, indeed, it did look like an egg in the sky!
I'm tired but celebrating my 30th in good fashion - if you're reading this and in Devon, I'm coming there in three weeks time - next weekend in London - eating in Babur on the Sunday after going to a burlesque show the night before [ and GAY late as wel I imagine!]
OK - thats generally it
for now - i need sleep...

cock in frock on rock

People aren't chocolates. People are just bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.- scrubs

Not how I feel at all, just really like the quote.

How DO I feel? A few people asking me that recently - apart from the obvious - meh - I'm not to sure - I'm living every day from one to the next, like most people, mindful of the world going on, the wars, the elections of new people etc. but in truth - I don't really care abut anything outside of me own world of experience? Selfish - probably, but that's the truth of things right now.

It's my 30th in a few weeks, I don' really know or care abou the next number, despite this blog being names after the belief of Saturn returning being a major influence in my life and the baggage that comes with '30' - but heck, 23rd of this month, I become a year older.
I'm still being a tart, a bad man, a single guy looking for love in allthe wrong places - and, ultimately [and this is the true sense of irony] - finding it but usually in couples. Yes, dear friends, I'm the third wheel on many lover's bicycles at the moment. A good or bad things - well it gets me attention adn some 'lovin'' but just highlights the loneliness when I return back from the meaty places of the north [you know who you are] and sleep in a large empty bed.
What to do - whine on a log? Watch re-runs of Scrubs? Eat pizza after a meal already eaten? so far so good then...

Poisonous Monkeys, sore ribs and a great deal of fun

And so it came to an end
The LARP [Live action role play]] that I was running and planned for over a season now fully played out over the past weekend. More will be written on it when I m less tired, but needless to say, EVERYONE enjoyed themselves [a rarity in ANY Larp] all went well and, ultimately, we ended up saving the world but starting the seeds for WW2. A good turn of affairs I think?!

Now, I've got to get ready for work tomorrow - would like a day off but not risking it, esp with temperamental departments - thanks to anyone who came to play or crew - Caroline, if you're reading this - had a GREAT time with everyone you sent to me, no anti-matter and a good end night last night too...

Take care good reader, happy All Hallow's and tread carefully once more into the night...

28 hours later

greetings reader
The difference a day can make huh? Ok - so despite being melancholic, I decided to haul myself to the World Zombie Day.
Well worth it, and now, I'm dripping after a bath to remove the gore, the bruising face paint and the talc in the hair.
All good. Mny new friends made and...grin... a date as well.
Yes, when you're not looking for it - blahblahblah - but hey - out of the ball park - not expecting it to happen due to nature of who was asking and the state they were in = but heck - not complaining at all if it were to happen!
Right- onwards to plan my live cthulhu event this friday - eek - contacting many people in quick fashion!
Hugs to all

feeling left out

A friend of mine is soon to get married.
tonight was his stag night.
Like many good stag dos, you invite those people you want to make it a good night.
I was not on the list.

Yet my housemate was. My housemate who is in his 60s. My housemate who agreed to have two people here to stay the night from the stag do. I think that is why my housemate got his invite. That and he has known the groom for much longer than I.

So, when my housemate has decided to go away for the weekend, and I thought - excellent house to myslef, and then get told the night before he's gong that people will be staying, from the stag do I'v not been invited to, I was instantly given a range of emotions to play with.
Bitterness / anger / resentment / loss / neglect / ...

Yet I have played perfect host, EVEN WHEN they ALL turn up and play rounds of cards for a few hours downstairs while I try to sleep.
How can I not feel upset? I'm a human being who, while putting on a brave face, have had NOONE to go out with for over two months now. I'm feeling like my life is s lowly dripping away and my mates are all getting with their lives - getting married, buying property, having children - perhas this is the key issue but it was all epitimised by the 6 guys downstairs playing cards.

I'm lonely. tired. upset. an now can't sleep on a night where the clocks go back and I could have been out [would have been out perhaps one lifetime ago]...

I'm impatient with being patient...

ups and downs, going in circles

I am physically unwell
therefore
I need to rest
therfore
I need to stay at home
therefore
My mental healt starts deteriorating
therefore
I need to get some exercise
therefore I need to be physically well
but
I am physically unwell... so...

Welcome o my world. The school I am at are asking for me to write ofsted level of cover- which I am not going to do - but have provided the school with the cover I'd normally do - I asked HOD to look it over and noone got back to me so assume it was ok.
now - i need to rest - but with no money I ned to tutor - which prevents rest and so the circle continues

my mind is not in a great place.
I am lonely. tired. tired of being stuck indoors. of being frustrated. of being stck in this country. of feeling alone. of.. of... [making excuses?]

i dunno - all i want is a room somewhere -

Coke and the Devil

Coca-cola vs Belching out the devil

This si the argument that is about to occur in my brain in the next few days. I'm going to be reading Mark Thomas' new book, Belching Out The Devil.

He will be attacking the company [or, rather, has attacked already and I will be rading about it so the tense is past present?] and I will ned to make a decision about the world. Globalisation. Itll be the next step towards me either becoming a 'treehugger', a protestor, an activist, or a daily mil reader laughing at those 'hippy-world-lovers, driving a BMW some more'...

Cough
Still home from work - gonna be working on the family tree, some more druidry stuff and the life in general.
Sigh. You ok reader? I'm dreaming of dead people...

99.3%

Got this in an email - I'm off work due to tonsilitis not clearing up and coughing loads - so doc signed me off for a week - gonna phone the school tomorrow - reading it actally due to not knowing how a week of will be tken - but will take it al as I need the rest it seems - and the worst time to go in is when you're STARTING to feel better - becuse then you get knowcked for 6.
sigh
here we are - again - learning from being still...

back to this email:
Dear friends,

Canada, France and Italy are threatening to break their poverty promises by slashing aid budgets. Sign the petition to stop them -- and poverty expert Jeff Sachs will deliver our messages to world leaders gathered at the UN this week!

World leaders gather this Thursday at the United Nations to renew the fight against extreme poverty. But three countries -- France, Canada, and Italy -- are threatening to undermine the world's anti poverty efforts, by slashing their development aid budgets and breaking their international promises.

Sarkozy, Harper, and Berlusconi promised to contribute 0.7% of their national income to fighting poverty -- aid money that would save millions of lives, and still leave these donor countries with 99.3% of their money. But apparently, they think 99.3% is not enough.

Our best chance to keep these rich countries to their word on aid delivery is to raise the alarm in New York this week. Sign our petition now, spread it to friends and family -- and our friend, world famous economist and top UN official on poverty, Jeffrey Sachs will deliver it in speeches to the assembled heads of state at the UN summit this Thursday. The more names on the petition, the stronger the message that promises on poverty must be kept. Click below to sign now:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/poverty_promise_breakers

We know that public outcries like this one can work -- because massive people-powered movements have transformed the fight against poverty over the last decade. The Jubilee movement cancelled hundreds of billions in dictator debt in 2000, and pushed world leaders to adopt the Millennium Development Goals to cut world poverty in half by 2015. In 2005, poverty campaigners the world over won commitments from G8 leaders to double aid to Africa. Because of these efforts millions of poverty related deaths have been stopped and millions more children are attending school, sleeping under anti-Malaria bed nets, and drinking clean water. Denmark, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden have all exceeded the 0.7% target and in this year aid rose in real terms in nine EU countries. If all countries stick to their promises, programmes fighting disease and alleviating extreme poverty could be scaled up across the world.

But this year, some rich-country leaders apparently think that the public no longer cares about poverty. In Canada, which kept 99.7% of its income last year, Stephen Harper seems more interested in winning his election than in upholding Canada's tradition of moral leadership. France's Sarkozy, for all of his diplomatic efforts, appears to think that his people don't care about lives and deaths beyond his borders. And in Italy -- already one of the stingiest donors in the world -- Berlusconi appears happy to slash crucial funding, even though, as host of next year's G8 summit, his actions set an example for the other richest countries.

French and Italian Avaaz members are already flooding their governments with thousands of messages about aid. But those of us in the rest of the world can play a crucial role as well--sending Harper, Sarkozy, and Berlusconi a clear signal that we expect them to keep to their word -- so please help us raise an outcry that can't be ignored at the UN summit:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/poverty_promise_breakers

In recent years, millions have been galvanized by a vision: that ours can be the generation that ends extreme poverty. With other crises vying for our attention, the strength of this vision is now being tested. Let's join together and ensure that leaders keep their promises -- so that the promise of human potential in even the poorest communities can be unleashed.

With hope,

Ben, Alice, Ricken, Graziela, Paul, Milena, Iain, Veronique, Brett -- the entire Avaaz team

PS: For a report on Avaaz's campaigning so far, see: https://secure.avaaz.org/en/report_back_2

Sources:

Fact sheet on Official Development Assistance from rich countries:
http://www.oecd.org/dataoecd/27/55/40381862.pdf

More on the Millennium Development Goals:
http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/

Bono and Jeffrey Sachs' blog on the poverty debate this week in New York:
http://blogs.ft.com/mdg/

To learn more about the international campaigning that has moved governments in recent years, see:
http://www.whiteband.org and http://www.inmyname.com/ and http://www.one.org/international/

More on concern about France's meeting 0.7% targets see:
http://www.oecd.org/document/45/0,,en_2649_201185_40948205_1_1_1_1,00

More on Canada's backtracking on 0.7% commitment:
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/story.html?id=9c489487-aab9-477c-babf-5d109566df2f&p=2

To see the 2008 report on governmental aid to Africa see:
http://www.one.org/report/en/press.html

To learn about Jeffrey Sachs' work on UN Millennium Development Goals see:
http://www.unmillenniumproject.org

To see examples of how aid is working see:
http://www.millenniumpromise.org and http://www.mdgmonitor.org/factsheets.cfm

weirdness and weirdos - belching with coke

Cthulhu - film coming out soon - nuff siad there - dribble dribble [gay men and lovecraft - happy times ahead then!]
went to book reading of mark thomas - mark thomas was god. his forum group were... er... erm... "very nice people but I don't my children hanging around that house anymore..." people.
Some people should stay online. Some should not. Myself and my friend from Devon did not Unfortunately neither did they...

"Look - its a dancing table look, it's imaginary - I'm not real."
Thank you....

Read the book - enjoy.

Equinox III

blackbird leads to deer...
check.

on first approach to Greenwich park, I wondered where would be best - I was wanting a forest glade or something secluded yet, aware of the sense of drama and need for attention sometimes [not showing off, just wanting company] I started following intuition.
I found 9 conkers all in a row. And then a conker cluster - 3 in one shell. It now sits atop my whiteboard in class, quietly, contently.

I followed my intuition and came across a blackbird on a small path. I jokingly thought about next finding a deer in Greenwich park, following the sequencing of the animals in The Druid Animal Oracle. I came to where the path met with a large overhang - creating a 'nest' as such. I entered and then left the other side.
And saw.
A deer. In fact a whole enclosure. I was grinning now and continued this path, coming across a staff and then - and then - yes - a tent - someone was camping in the park and i brought back all the humbleness I needed - to help people, to be reminded of how lucky I am, despite financial problems at the moment - to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach - the fasting enforcing that idea in me today as well.

Now? Now I have fed. Tutored. played computer games. Wondered about my mum a lot as had a disturbing dream but, as not able to get hold of her and as yet, not had any odd calls/texts, gonna assume today is ok.
Right - to bed - not allowing the cat that pissed on my bed bak in my room for a while. Yes, remember what I typed yesterday - but I'm human - will probably ensue things get sorted and checked - bed!
Night night reader - hope the bugs don't bite....

Equinox II

"No food or water or sexual intercourse. From first light until sunset.
It will be enjoyable to share the breaking of the fast with someone."

I copy this from an email from a Muslim friend of mine - he works at the same place and is a very nice guy. I agreed to fast alongside the pupils for one day for a variety of reasons:

1) to get him of my back - it is best to be honest about these things and he politely asked a few times. Were it not something I'd already contemplated though, it'd have been a no,so this isn't really a true reason but is partly!
2) purification: my body, being slightly ill, being at the end of a long week/month/6 month period - thought it best t bring everything back to basics.
3) awareness - I informed the rest of the staff at my school about Ramadan without truly appreciating fasting. I vaguely recall doing similar when I was younger - a sponsored thing - but this is not raising any money - just thoughts and contemplative resources. Some people do not get food or water in a day. To make myself aware.
4) appreciation: let me not deny the bonus of getting respect from the Muslim students from them going "ooh, Mr Y, you're fasting..."
5) something to do - not being flippant though - it is rare that something new comes along to challenge me, to make me think in a different way.

Gulps remainder of water.There I will do my best to eat no food [quite easy], no drink [harder] and have no impure thoughts for today [er...]

Watch sunrise somewhere - thinking the Greenwich park - make it truly "I am here at the start of the day worldwise...."

Shower, shave, purify. Will write tonight when I have/can.
Insha' Allah?

Equinox. Re-addressing the balance

"I'm Sorry"

Two words which cme from the person's mouth about an hour ago. The person who I wrote about, the person who has sought counselling, healing, and medical advice. Who is choosing to make her life better.

I accepted.

I feel better - no more oath of anger around my neck, no more upset - by no means will I forget the damage done, and it will be a time yet for all the wounds to hel, bu the forst stones of the bridge are repalced with stronger ones. Ones that have been reflected upon, that have caused damage to ALL involved and now, hoefully, can be rebuilt upon.

With that being done, I now feel lighter, more tired, ready for tomorrow where I thank the universe for getting me to this point. My journal will soon, it seems, have to be redone. Saturn has returned in my chart.

I reflect on the ideas in the last few weeks that have occured - the year itself. More when I have time to understand all implications - but yes, the big dramatic thing I was expecting - wasn't big in action. It was small and frail - an apology.

It reminds me of how we are all fragile - how we are all affected by our emotions, and if I am to become a peacemaker in the world, then I had beter get used to being more damn humble and less proud. People do stupid things when they are angered - we only have to look at the world around us - as a teacher I break up many people about to fight all the time - for what? Damaged pride most of the time: "your mum" etc.
We live in a world that is damaged - where we all value things which, at the end of the day, are just opinions - reputatin, ego, identity - all are fragile and important yet ultimately valueless and irreplacable at the same time.
We do? Nohing. Everything. It matters not in the end it seems - but if we can make someone else's journey on the way a bit better - then surely the world is all the better for it.

itches, illness and 'I'

good evening reader
still ill but now got prescription [penicillin - 4x a day]. Itching to get back to work, itching because a few fleas found on cat [dealt with but still - itch itch]

I.

One tidy desk later, and consideration back again into family tree - doing a lot of research - trying to ascertain 100% each fact so back to basics - want to get it done by end of October on one branch as then i can buy a present for my paternal grandmother...
talking of grans
how do you make peace with someone who is too proud/upset/stubborn to apologise?
I don't know.
I've spoken to some of the people hurt in the matter. I 'think' I'm able to forgive her though it takes a lot of my damage to my pride to admit/permit that.
I made an oath that I wouldn't speak to the person until they apologised - or at least made first contact. How can I make contact, offer a branch of peace again without feeling like I'm surrendering something, giving in - is that just pride or is it something more, to feel inferior/superior - holding power...
as i type this i realise how petty it sounds, esp with so much crap already in the world. Yet the damage done, the wounds caused and lives affected - it wasn't just a simple argument. There were potentially legal implications, possible framing of crime, and I'm not too sure if i can just 'forgive' that...

Without too much detail, I helped someone out. The help resulted in things not going the person's way. The person blamed me, despite everything I did being done with permission and acceptance. But. But. not enough. The end result was a great loss to the person and things were left hanging. I tried to explain but the hurt felt was too much - I was the object and target for the hurt - and anyone who assisted was also targeted. Unfairly but then when you are in grief for loss, you don't thin straight.
Yes, I'm defending the person's actions, being able to see it in a fairer way.
Is it enough to offer friendship or should I ensure that the bridge is built? Surely it is two-way?
Time is not with me though - I have a feeling this person is getting older quickly and may be getting ill..
Bury the past and salvage the present? But how without causing an upset to the people around me who are also hurting?
Sigh

...the ties that bind us...

Pruning my life ? Erm...

Ok - so astro.com - a very good website - is informing me of this - I've got 6 days to go it seems for this effect on me - nt much has really happened - got back to school, had a cough, mark died [ not meaning to be glib, but he wasn't real close and I've had closer friends die in the past - trying to say - not a major shift or difference in my life]

So this is how it reads:
Saturn conjunction Saturn: Pruning your life
5 September 2008 until 21 September 2008: This is one of the most important times in your life. A major cycle of experience is closing, and great changes are about to take place. How great these changes are depends largely on what you have been doing with your life over the past several years. Have you been living as you feel you should or as you think others want you to? If you have been doing the latter, this influence will have a greater impact.

This influence occurs about every twenty-nine years. The first such influence occurs now that you are about twenty-nine.

Last year, many aspects of your life have begun to change. Relationships may have changed, and you may have changed your residence or your job; you have been dominated by an urgent feeling that if you don't do everything you have always wanted to do, you will never have another chance. And now, at about twenty-nine, you will feel that a substantial portion of your life has passed and that you had better get on with making it all work. If your relationship is unsatisfactory but you have been making the best of it, you will examine that relationship even more thoroughly now and may decide to end it. Certainly you will have to change it substantially. The same is true of any other aspect of your life that you have tolerated but not found very rewarding.

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life.

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. If you have been doing what you should in previous years, this influence will simply mark a time of solidification and the beginning of new phases of activity.

full moon healing

full moon tonight - looked impressive as i drove to tescos to get a set of muffins and mini bottle of red wine.
Didn't see it as i sat in my garden with said tesco merchandise and focused on healing those close to me.
still - little tired - didn't go into work today due to my lungs being sponsored by expectant.com: "for all your phlegmy chest needs..."
[cough cough]
anyhow, I'm now back inside, £35 down as my cat decided to get bitten on its lower back by another cat and required an antibiotic shot, laden with books c/o freecycle more props for cthulhu] and a floor covered in apers that i promised I'd tidy this evening.
Not yet it seems
STILL lacking a focus - wanting to learn more patience yet getting impatient doing so - ha, yes i see the irony, and learning BSL as well so keeping acive [ keeping depression away] but ultimately, like a lot of people on this spinning orb of ours, wondering what's it all for.
ideas on a postcard to...

sleep well reader...sleep well

Dr Mark Steel - RIP

 

Mark Steel died on Monday.

Who? Get comfy - this'll take a while. A few years ago I went out with a really nice guy. One of his best mates was a bloke called Mark Steel, a Senior Lecturer in Economics at Bristol Uni and he would host us staying the night when we all would go out on the lash. He had a balcony that looked over Bristol and was a great place to watch fireworks.  His health was not good in the recent months and he had deteriorated a lot. He died on Monday just gone. That's his death. His life...

His mother, from what I gather, is quite a puritan. So much so that the almighty porn stash that a single guy generally accumulates in his lifetime was discovered by her at one point and made for one of those 'anecdotal tales' down the pub. Don't ask about the welcome mat. And other such sordid and witty tales down the pub he had plenty of. He was always surrounded in stories of ventures and actions recently done, yet kept very much to himself most of the time. He was a great friend at the time of myself going out with Stephen [afore mentioned boyfriend] and offered his place, his company and his wisdom freely. He didn't have much in worldly possessions and was very happy with some audio tapes and a television for company a lot of the time.

We would go for a drink or thirty and enjoy REAL ALE in a REAL ALE pub, where people are rated by size of beard and belly, not IQ and car.

I've heard that his death, in some manners, will be a good thing, releasing him from pain. I hope this to be the case, as the world is  slightly less wittier place without such a man and, in my limited view, a poor trade off but fully understandable one. 

The Weatherspoons in Bristol will never be the same...

RIP Dr Mark Steel, Sept 8th 2008

YouTube - Flight of the Conchords Ep2 Inner City Pressure

this sums up how i feel at the moment - that and the wabbit bweasts....

went out with a gd friend from uni - still want to be her boyfriend but will wait.wait.wait...

Shift Happens

It sure does.

Ala Moore talks about the world turning to steam. 2012. This comments about the info increase and exponential growth.

I work in an academic institution. A school. In fighting. No discussions. People riling up about little stuff, big stuff - no communication. I want to just do my job an carry on working - but no, I feel obliged to involve myself somehow...

sigh

Are you well in your space of the world reader? I hope so, I hope so... watch this. Enjoy.

YouTube - Flight Of The Conchords - Bowie Song

so yeah - these people are really funny. look at the rest of their stuff too - good range - enjoy - thanks to the man in manchester for this gem of humour - lightened mood big styley

night bus - the sequel

dont. just dont. fall asleep on a night bus.
You wake up in Erith.
Even though you were heading to Lewisham.

long story short - went out last night - got drunk to meet new people and try and let hair down. well, flirted with a few people but that was it. got let down last minute by a friend who forgot that places in loondon store luggage for you if you buy a locker space.
sigh. Getting sunday lunch[possibly] out of it though.

walked. lots
Drank. a medium amount.
Slept until 1am as got in at 6...

Dirty stopout that I am - now looking around my house, still solo as housemate away - what to do... make a to do list. mmm - fun tasks for the next 48 hours...
hope you're well

The Path...

My friend James is about to go around Europe. Looking for himself and to make more definite his thoughts for his life. This sounds familiar. Do we all walk a certain path at certain times in our life? I've just come back from going around the British shores, visiting Lake District, Lampeter, North Devon and Frome before I came back to London.

I saw both parents, some good friends and was still - briefly. I saw the power of focusing your attention to one thing and having good teaching -  a 14 year old playing violin while another played a piano - both at concert level. One of them, my brother, the other his friend.

I saw a man reunited with his friend and talk as if the years of not seeing each other were moments not two score sans one. My father.

I saw a woman contemplate her familial role, examine her childhood and her relationship with those around herself. My mother.

I stood in a sacred circle talking with a man who also knows Nietsche's abyss, more than I. We talked about the universe, the roles our parents have in our lives and the sum of genetics. We laughed. We became quiet with internal revelations that the other mentioned about his life which echoed within our own.

I researched my family tree, made some lucky discoveries, contemplated the meaning, again, of the seven stars above my head - an image told to me twice now.

I drove in the mornings, daytimes, evenings and night. I scared myself with the ease of tiredness creeping up on a driver and how an accident could occur if the car is not given the respect it deserves.

I dined with family, with friends, and valued more than ever the time taken to eat food - shared with people you care about.

I examined someone's heart, how they felt for me, how they wanted more than I could give them and how I was not, am not, can not be what they need right now.

I observed memories walking down streets of towns passed and past. I remembered Heraclitus and saw that I'd outgrown certain rivers, places, and selfishly, some people too.

I returned home - to London. Where my things are. The detritus that makes up who I am in a physical manner. I slept. Still sleepy.

I tutored students whose parents respect me for doing what almost seems natural now - encouraging people to learn in the manner they find best.

I'm now, slowly, preparing to do this en masse for groups of students with a subject that is not my speciality. Thank goodness for certain websites. I hope you are well, dear reader. Enjoy the next few months before the Saturn wheel has turned fully. I feel that the next two months are gong to be very telling...

Main Page - The Path

yea -erm - I agree then

said the doc.

If it's not gone in a week,. come back and we'll arrange a dermatologist appt. do at least i have a safety net establishe now.

NOW I can bathe... and get rid of smell...

Do not bathe for 24 hours

That was close - I'd lst the instructions, and thought it may have been twelve - about to shower then thought - no - should be longer - sleep on it - check - and lo behold - 24 hours!

So yes - iching still - funny thing is - one of the side effects- skin irritation - so how do you know?!!

Really hard at moment to try and get the guts to see a doctor - I know they've sen such before but still feel... unclean I suppose...

YouTube - Sesame Street Pinball Cartoon

frankly - this is funk. childhood funk - from the POINTER SISTERS nonetheless - sesame street - you are to blame and to thank

And we wonder why kids today aren't interested in maths - bring this sorta thing back!

12 hours

12 hours I wait while the lotion does its thing. I may not have any skin parasite but having all the symptoms., I'm gonna remove it as an option.

No, not sexual conduct - I think. Just nature of being a personal person and, if you can catch it from a handshake, then half of the world are doomed from my hugs. Question is, apart from the people reading this, how do I tell everyone at my LARP? My friends? I'm going to wait for he delayed time to pass, see if it's any better - if so, prove it was scabies and tell the world - if not, see a doc and save face?!

Well - I didn't ave to write anything but since I've not contacted for a while, and the fact I'm naked bar a dressing gown for the next duration, may as well do something online!

Feel sorry for the cat though - he doesn't understand why he's shut out. That and its nice to have one space I HAVE to stay in.. like a  meditation cell - nature forcing me again to do as I'm bidden...

the first dance

friend 1 and 2 are married - snuck images on facebook - they look wonderful - older, oviously, but wonderful
friend 3 who i had a brief thing with an friend 4 are married - again, wonderful
friend 5 who is a really good mate though we are distant in space, is marrying day before my birthday

I do...

who can I say that to? no-one - not feeling lonely, just wndering about commitment and nature of such - I look at some people, people who's weddings I have attended - others who I've not - and I envy them. They are strong enough in their convictions to know they will be together for a long time - and, in most cases, have already been such - since uni in fact...

Me? I have met a few people but know that I'd have cheated, killed or sabotaged somehow the relationship by now.

"Tired of playing with this bow and arrow... I've been a tempt-er-ess too long..."


I lack something - the hermit stays alone, fixed at his ninth position in the deck, the hanged man chooses when to untie himself and the other major trumps move about. Wisdom to shelter - advisor to others - and myself - I'm repeating the same ieas and thoughts I did when I was 17, 24, 29. Learning - patience. but. and big but. to what end?
In sickness and in health I wait.

Current local time in London - England - U.K.

It's hot. 23 degrees right now. Hot. Stifling. Gonna take a cold shower.

Then head out.

It's LARP weekend - part of me is excited - as always, love the odl crowd and enjoy the faces, feeling par f larger group etc. But, and this is where honesty is never a good thing, I'm also feeling like I'm entering too much escapism - but my real life is not offering anything interesting so as long as I keep the balance in check, things should be ok right>

Right?

Ah - there is the rub - good old Shakespeare to the rescue - To sleep perchance to dream - ay - for who's to say what dreams may come...

I want to sleep. To rest. But also to have a life again - to have people come round and ask to go out - like at uni, like when I was younger and drag me to pubs regardless of whether I felt like it. Not needing the drinking so much now [Bacchus proved that point - those two hours still haven't returned] but needing the social side now - but of course, the big scheme of it is that we do social to find a mate, to then settle down and have happy families - well - I not got that. My ma and pa are good, but stopped living with Ma when I was 18. Still i touch an love them dearly, but what I mean is that at my age people are supposed [grin - pass the life rule book, wanna check this] to have a house, kids and white picket fence. I got overdraft. No partner [male of female]. A dilapidated car. A minor paunch/belly. Vaguely satisfying, if knackering and unappreciative working job - and for what - to retire for the mother wage... - well, dear reader, suggestions on a postcard to "I'm not satisfied, Po Box L1mb0, London...

Emotions

I'm sitting at a friends house.
We've just been to a LARP that shall remain nameless as I'm going to be referring to people there.
I'm planning to run an event soon and the internal politics - poeple getting angry at other people from others ets and games. Sigh. There we go then.

Currently people are discussing other people and their options and attitudes.
Now.
Reflections on the events- things to ponder upon
Playing a creature who manipulates emotions - pleasure and pain [s&m, thoughts, echoes - memories here..]
A player who, unfortunately due to his past [losing family in a car accident and only recalling a loud noise] not reacting well - obviously - to surprise loud noises. Like me yelling BOO in the dark.
Guilt
upset.
Feeling their emotions, memories - knowing the cause of it was me, knowing the pain of loss and the intesnisty of a recollection - knowing there was nothing I could do to help.
What do I do? Intensified by then others doing the same to him, because I did it to them earlier...
tiredness.
thoughts
echoes. ideas. a need for sleep and heat being too hot.
nice food sttttling in my stomach.

Genealogy, Family Trees and Family History Records online - Ancestry.co.uk

too hot in london to go traipsing around graveyards - but i met some nice people, sorted a bunch of diaries out and found my great grandparents grave - so not a bad day

Also found where they lived, where JRN had his accident and the hospital he got taken to...

off to play a satyr now - tomrrow LARPING and next week augfest - then no money for  alng time - joy - what to do?

get fit i suppose

Genealogy, Family Trees and Family History Records online - Ancestry.co.uk

 

So yeah -0 I'm doing my family tree  -alot - which is interesting especially as with one member of my family I'm not talking, another is far away, and dealing with death recently, and I'm in London, feeling alone yet at same time surrounded by ancestors hiding in Willesden and surrounding areas.

Also, testing out a feature of windows by blogging this...

more to come reader, more to come

From Alexander Cartwright

An invitation. From Alexander Cartwright, the professor you once met, along time ago while at university. Yes, you, reader, know who I'm talking about.
Enjoy.

This is not just fun, this is S&M fun

BDSM
So - consenting adults - do we have a right to tie one another up and indulge activites that are illegal in this country.
Regardless of my own involvement, or lack of involvement, when I did a course on Philophy at university, BDSM came up. Can two consenting adults consent to actual bodily harm?
Boxing - yes.
Tattooing - yes.
Circumcision of babies...
of adults...
BDSM?

Ah, the last is sexual, the first is sport, second art or self-indulgence [and involves, usually, transerence of currency], the third and fourth either medical or religious...
Sexual is pure choice of two people - isn't it?

Vulnerable adults need to be protected- granted. But at the same time, the 'english vice' of BDSM should not be ilegal if no-one who is not consenting is involved...
should it?

The lawstates that violence that is actual bodily arm is cruelty and unpredictably dangerous. Isn't boxing as well and therefore more dangerous as we encourage people to watch, and even charge for such spectacles?

So - I've not been typing for a while - the phrase been a bit tied up springs to mind...

Best of both worlds...

"It's the worst of any world because you don't really belong anywhere, because you are never sure of yourself or those around you. You can't trust in anyone, their motives or their intentions. And because of that, you have, in a world that likes its nice shiny labels, no true identity."

Ianto Jones - Torchwood...

65 minutes long.. excited

They're here....

africa. fair and free?

Dear friends,
African leaders can still save Zimbabwe by holding an emergency summit to broker a legitimate government.
On Friday, 27th June, Zimbabwe will hold a cruel sham of a vote for President. The opposition Movement for Democratic Change has just withdrawn from the run-off -- not in a concession of victory, but rather in recognition that Mugabe's campaign of violence and terror has erased any hope for a democratic election.

But against the odds, hope survives. Amidst growing international pressure, Mugabe's ZANU-PF party and the opposition have entered private talks. A unity government may be possible yet.

The United Nations Security Council unanimously held on Monday that free and fair elections are now impossible in Zimbabwe. The UN Secretary-General spoke out. But it is African leaders, most of all Thabo Mbeki, who hold the key. Even Mugabe cannot cling to power without their cooperation. Today, we're launching an emergency campaign, petitioning these leaders to call an immediate summit, isolate Mugabe, and broker a legitimate government for Zimbabwe. Our call will be published in big newspaper advertisements in South Africa, Tanzania, Angola, and Mozambique this week -- click here to see the ads and endorse their message:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/save_zimbabwe/6.php?cl=101005457

Zimbabwe's neighbours supply its electricity and goods, and control the borders. Many Southern African leaders are already calling for the postponement of the election -- but there's a real danger that they will end up accepting this charade. This would be a grave miscalculation: if Mugabe succeeds in his de facto coup, Zimbabwe's implosion will accelerate, and chaos could spread throughout the region.

So our campaign will publicly name those African leaders who hold Mugabe's last remaining lifeline. If these leaders step up strongly now, they can convince enough of Mugabe's officials that change is coming one way or another -- and set the stage for Morgan Tsvangirai to lead a unity government to pull Zimbabwe back together.

Robert Mugabe saved Zimbabwe from colonialism. Now it's time for African leaders to save Zimbabwe from him.

Help us raise 250,000 voices this week, including a great roar from every country in Africa, to be delivered in an immediate multi-country ad campaign. Click to see the ads, sign, and then forward this to friends:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/save_zimbabwe/6.php?cl=101005457

With hope and determination,

Ben, Alice, Paul, Graziela, Mark, Ricken, Iain, Veronique, Pascal, and Milena -- the Avaaz.org team

PS: For more information and sources for the facts above, see:

Thabo Mbeki and the emergency talks for a settlement:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article4200177.ece

United Nations Security Council declares free and fair elections "impossible":
http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSL2026827820080624

Elections going ahead despite MDC pull-out:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7468849.stm

Mugabe: "Only God will remove me!"
http://www.thetimes.co.za/SpecialReports/Zimbabwe/Article.aspx?id=788598

Regional leaders criticizing Mugabe:
Tanzania's Kikwete - http://allafrica.com/stories/200806200336.html
Rwanda's Kagame - http://allafrica.com/stories/200806190003.html
Kenya's Odinga - http://allafrica.com/stories/200806190949.html
Uganada's Museveni - http://allafrica.com/stories/200806120016.html

_______


ABOUT AVAAZ
Avaaz.org is an independent, not-for-profit global campaigning organization that works to ensure that the views and values of the world's people inform global decision-making. (Avaaz means "voice" in many languages.) Avaaz receives no money from governments or corporations, and is staffed by a global team based in London, Rio de Janeiro, New York, Paris, Washington DC, and Geneva.

Don't forget to check out our Facebook and Myspace and Bebo pages!

the sun is still, the brains are flowing...

hapy solstice!
yesterday - today - ehck - both days are equal - and apparently people are coming to blows deciding whether or not it's yesterday ro today - but heck - up to them
for me - going in to work - discussion about that later
then going into london town to be dressed as a zombie and lurch around a bi - fnd my 'crowd' - ah joys...
grin
hope you are well reader
will talk about taleisin, life and being single later on.
Bye...

trailers, spoilers

enjoy

depression, no work today

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

thank you portishead.

LARP and loving it?

role playing: the immersion of yourself into a role different to yourself, and a type of escapism.
SO, when surrounded by 17-20 year olds who wanted to continually refer to tables, comment bout their armour class and what levels they were, I was not having a good time.
Luckily, I was with some old friends and some newly made ones - got drunk, and entered into the world of uni drinking.
again.
BUT - and this is important - my tolerance for both extraneous activity AND drinking is lowering. Quickly. I slept. quickly. And resulted in getting a bit drunk after a good meal and promptly entering the world of sleep. Due to the ability to sleep anywhere i feel safe, I closed my eyes - had a powernap. Then another. Then moved to the other sofa so wasn't in the way of trhose talking [yes, left the campsite when we realised we were not gonna have great fun playing munchkin...]
I'm now typing while everyone else has retired as, yes, I've slept, they haven' - they're drunk I'm now sober[ish] and alone.
So loving it?
No.
I need my old stamina back - I'm becoming outsider in my own groups of friends due to lacking in energy. OR needing more sleep. Or, frankly, self choice on some weird subconscious level as i'm not able to keep up pace anymore???
30 in November. still youngest in this group of friends right now - yet here i am, typing, and they are now sleeping [just before 6am now]
too many thoughts now of negative inclination - now feeling bad in itself, just aware that alcohol, loneliness and general state of needing to be awake/asleep is not conducive to a strong mental health package.
Good night - I'm, good. just needing to accept where i am again before i move one - again.

initial thoughts

well - last night did the ritual of initiation - I am now starting on the path of Bard - new moon - seemed right time - new room, new space.
All good.

Posted some pics up in facebook of me with alan moore. got lots of response quickly as well - lots of envious people out there *G*
better get ready for work
sigh

hope you are well...

briefly

shouted in school.

#hate doing so but heck the kids ake me so annoyed at times - esp when they are choosing not to learn
Anyhow - that aside - running my roleplaying game on Friday - planning for that. not got any idea what to teach my year 8s can't plan for that - improv. tastic.

tired - hungry - unsure what to do re druidry but will try again tomorrow night methinks - shaving first as well...
hope you're well

late at night

first night, properly, in my new room - more space for stuff - books - thoughts
that and the fact that I've scoffed my way through a box of caramel shortcakes from sainsburys - yumyum - but caffeine/sugar.. hehhehhe
no sleep for paul. And i've got to try and organise a fortnight's worth of lessons yet before i go to sleep -and preferably tidy up the fuzz that is my face...

check list:
orderd cable for camera - yep
done things on freecycle - yep

writ the lessons and shave - off i go and do that - sigh - doesn't seem to really matter though as had a friend phone me today with info that his ex fiance has recently committed suicide. Puts things in perspective. I didn't know her but I know him and know the large ripples that his unrest will cause - he's a great friend and I worry for him - so inviting him to London will hopefully help..
hugs to all in my home town who may have known her..

Sleep well all

good start

pah
ok - so: single. split amicably but wasn't working [clash of personalities etc.]
just painted my room - yay - feel like a kid and an adult at same time.
about to go buy a smaller roller - hehehe - look at me - all growing up..

last night went for a drive in some chariots, night before found solace in some alcohol -and some more.. and some more. got home at 5. grin
yay - i'm almost reverting to old lifestyle...
but..
not.
don't worry people - all cool - just needing a little more me time then normal service resumed. rejection - who DOES handle it well?

1 month, 7 days, what a difference it can make

Yes.
here has been a disruption to the normal service of random thoughts etc from my head due to a few differing situations in my life.
None of them bad per se, but all of them needing some working out, and without the thoughts of ochers interrupting, no matter how well intended.
There is an ex of mine traveling in search of answers for his spirituality. I have wished him well and hope for all the best for him.
Myself - my spirituality has asked of me one question - am i ready to commit to something more than myself. The chaos and randomness of my life is seeking order yet i refrain from holding it still - letting it wonder I have recently played a priest of Loki, the trickster, and if that wasn't a opportunity to get rid of al the non-committal, I don't know what is. So amused I was to see the latest issue of Touchstone, the druid magazine, discussing Loki - only a little footnote but amusing nonetheless. Something is steering things for me...

I've also, tentatively entered into courting/dating someone - unsure how it is going, but he is a really nice guy, with nothing about him to dissuade me from making a go of it - its just my head space, trying to get a 'fix' on things. perhaps all will fit into place shortly?

work wise - I'm teaching maths full on - having taken the classes of someone else - the school staff are playing political power games to get everyone happy - won't mention names, but needless to say, loyalties are being tested - primarily to self and department, but heck, how do you get things done - druidic learning studying here - diplomacy and subtle words in backgrounds - i feel partially Machiavellian and partly like a character from Shakespeare's tragedies... not Iago, just touchstone...

ah - the looops of thought echoing one another. So now, I am left in a place where there are tents drying round me [not metaphor but wet weather after a really good mayfest LARP], my room is in transference stages - trying to sort out new room from old with stuff - yes mum, will be down soon to collect remainder of stuff..

hugs to everyone reading this - apologies been a long time coming, and if anyone wondering where the emoition is - it's coz i'm knackered. lots going on - this should become a daily writing again shortluy - lemme just get the room sorted first.. which colour...

needing a longer skipping rope

There's a new TV Series starting on channel 4 tomorrow night and it looks gret. I mean GREAT. As in philosophical, musical, linked to everything I stand for and want to be part of.
Its very good - after seeing the trailer - yeah - more please.


in other news - work today informed me that the NUT are striking at my school, resulting in no work on Thrusday - ergo no money for one day work. the irony is, without the pressure, I won't get better money next year and onwards - sigh - the hassle...
did ghandi ever wonder about short term violence for long term peace - no -the conflict too huge - so I'm left with having to sacrifice one day for a better year- when i put it like that - it's not that bad - will ise it constructively - go the horniman museum again and hoefully do some private tutoring...

hope all well with you

of all the people

there was a guy at uni called Chris [will spare him surname] who taught me a lot about people and reactions. He lost it one night, and i mean, LOST it. we're talking temper outta window and mashed up his house.
needless to say, reactions were not favourable. He put some people in their place, pushed many people's boundaries and frankly, acted like a twat.
BUT, and this is important, he realised this and apologised at the time - well a little after but still did it.
I had a lot of respect for him then. Still do - as he has recently got in touch with me facebook [ so yes all of you people non-uni elated can have a quick examination and work out who etc if you get so bored you need to...] - and we've started catcing up on time.
Something he said stuck, reminded me of who I am again- always good that:

"I hope you yourself have managed to make of life what you wanted, of all of us i thought you were the strongest candidate."

What I wanted... - already discussed this at length in previous posts but yeah - what do I want - the druidry thing is good but at moment not grabbing me - or rather i' no picking it up - literally - sitting on the floor- the other person I'm sharing with is busy so no motivation there - perhaps need to get back into full swing first - or am I just being lazy [ don't answer that - i KNOW the answer! ]
hope you're well - I'm now in mixed sleep cycle - again - had a doze and now its three hours later - if i sleep now I'll be up at - exhausting myself now - obviously needed the sleep - but now - now - well, heck - milky ways are yummy...!

i didn't start the fire

food


there's a news story with link above about food shortages. crisis.
meanwhile, in america, many may children recovered from a sect are facing custody.
meanwhile, in tibet...
meanwhile..
meanwhile...

anyone else wanting a big guy in a red cape to come along? or one REALLY LOUD voice to tell us something?
From promethea and Alan moore to variety of religions, things aren't looking good at moemnt.
still - i've had a cheese toastie got a computer and some books so all is ok with the world? sigh - well aware it isn't but unsure which direction to go to...
anyone - pointers please!

last few days

My apologies for not posting more regular but I have decided to rest for a bit. As in do NOTHING.
And that is what I have done. And I feel great for such.
Now - the occurrences so far - well - My friend Ian had a christening and a wedding celebration over the weekend - saw lots of friends - dealt with a few things and generally had a nice time.
Monday was the funeral of Ronnie, met for the first time Ronnie's nieces Elizabeth and Margaret who were very nice, and learnt more about a man who I'd not had the time to previously.
Now - now it is Thursday - I'm all of a muddle as I'm thinking about what needs doing, how it needs doing, when it needs doing by and the remainders of things that can wait [ie tidying room - again!]
lists? ah, maybe...
When I feel like it, I'll fill in more of the emotional side here but needless to say - the last week and a half has been turmolic, but now is settling down again. Onwards...

mayfest

message from ian - one of the two guys i live with :
only two poeple have paid so far - if you wanna go, please get some payment to ian asap or event wont run...

watching me watching you

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/pressass/20080410/tuk-school-catchment-family-spied-on-6323e80.html
check out above link - please

10.51 - do you know where your washing is?

so yes, doing washing. cleaning. tidying up. the mundane, usual, ordinary.
trying not to get embroiled anymore in family politics but heck, i'm a human being who cares so hard not to...
shrug
gotta get stuff sorted for funeral on monday - hope all well with you reader - will pass onyour well wishes to my friends who have a christening tomorrow... where there's death, there's life.

update - got locked out. teehee...
now back in.
getting ready for tonmights ctulhu - ooh ooh - can print things out now as well - yay me...
skips slightly

tiredness

and so, one day abck, and i've spent most of the day in. not doing much - just chilling and frankly, it feels good.
tiring, but god..
now, got to work out where to put all of my books that i brought back with me

number 70

i've ranted and railed about how my family have treaten me - to a few friends now - that it only leaves the siple facts which, being tired, i don't want to rake over. but i will because i am a man of my word.
my great uncle ronnie died 2 fridays ago.
my nan, obvously upset, asked me to help out
i got papers from his house to help identify if there was a will, what it said if so, and where solictor was if not.
found will, unsigned, unwitnessed.
found solicitor who ahd an invalid will
meaning everything would go to other side of family.
cue three days of denying my faily the papers i'd gathered while i sought legal advice and my nan turned.
my nan is not well, my cousin wants to do things his own way and my mum, aunt and myself are caught in the middle - with me the bad guy
i amde an oath:
i will not talk to my nan again until she communicates with me first.

i meant and mean it though - enough is enough

i also got an email from a friend who i have a history wih - discussing our differences and similaities, highligting cerain truths which, while i am raw, aren't worth focussing on right now - tomorrow.


i also went to radstock and asw another friend onroute - though i lef behind m bel... careless... won't say why but i'm sure, dear reader, you can fill in some blanks.
yes, even in desir and anger i can find time for amusing myself...



i will rest now. long. then tidy evrything up again and prepare for this upcoming week... the storm is just gathering...

positivity

LIVE WORK LOVE
LAUGH GATHER GREET
STAY TRADE TRAVEL
BELIEVE BUILD
EAT DRINK & PLAY
SEE HEAR TASTE
TOUCH SIT
BREATHE SLEEP
TEACH LEARN
CARE CREATE
SOW GROW & REAP

these words are in shardeloes road on the way to new cross from brockley in london.
good words.
words that, right now, seem ever more important

write it and it will happen?

last three titles - death.
coincidence? As I'm progressing on in my life, looking at my spiritual development, trying not to be egocentric but self-focussed instead [difference will be explained one day!] I'm noticing more and more the patterns that occur around me.
is it more than just noting the patterns with divination?
Shrug
Anyhow - Ronnie left no valid will. My maternal family are sorting things out - or trying to.
If youa re reading this and have more assets than 10pence, write a will. Get it signed and witnessed. Please.
My family this week have gone through ehll, I have had to keep secrets, enquire about law and learn more about family dynamics than i thought previously possible.
Sigh
And now? Now my grandmother is grieving, upset, bitter and hardening tot eh world. "Its not about the money"
Yet it seems, after all, it is.
For those close to me in London, you know how things like this develoop in my family. For those elsewhere - I'll be coming to your doorstep real soon if things don't get balanced out.
This will tear my family apart unless it is calmed, sorted and organised and it is hard to watch that develop while knowing you ahve done all you can. To then have that hard work thrown back in your face hurts. Angers. REALLY angers.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,
mustn't call...
9
breathe
10
there
now where were we? ah yes. family. can't choose them...

RIP Ronnie

My uncle died on Tuesday. His body was found yesterday.
He, therefore, was lying dead for three days before he was found and processes could be put into place.

My nan is in shock. My mum and aunt are dealing with the emotional side but it results in my nan being his executor of will and therefore I foresee a potential of legal mess and jargon alongside the usual emoional upheaval a death causes.

I am trying not to be so blunt but it is hard when faced with another death in so short a time. Death. End of life.

I just feel sorry that he died alone, but we offered him respite, a connection often. He chose his solitute, not wanting to leave Steve's side [my aunt], her house and his, the last connection to her. Now he is gone and regardless of faith, he is now with her in some manner or other.

I, as always, will help as best I can, but I fear for the next fortnight - it will be a strain on all concerned. Let us hope that the peace he has found will be a comfort to all involved.

Rest in peace Ronnie and Steve, together now.

Ronald Leyman, died 25th March 2008.

back to statistics

When I was 14, starting ks4 in mathematics, we were asked to examine something for statistics coursework. I started to investigate memory - taking ona huge project and eventually had to whittle it down to something simple [mainly for purpose of marking, research, time etc..]
but the issue stuck. in my memory. loitered in the background.

I went to university. studied philosophy, examined the nature of existence of dentity from a self-perspective, subjective and objective point of view. what are we? a continual temporal being held together by memory.
I remove some part of that chain of events - Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday and I am left with a gap, indeed, something existentially missing - where was 'i' that day?

this isn't just ramblings - bear with me...

I've just watched a repeat version of Horizon [bbc science program] on memory which examined the idea of memory, scientifically, and the effects and such upon our very thought processes, existence and survival.
I recall events. they in turn become 'malleable' again and are reformed by my reinterpretation of them - i remember my memory of the event, and so on, rather than the actual event -like re-recording the same program on a videotape...
consequences: tape wears out the more i think about it, or, like a muscle, it gets stronger? our memory is created, shaped?, by the synapses, connections between brain cells that form and reform dependant upon our age, chemical balance, health, memory, event, strength of mind...
insert: Magical memory tour - the horizon program had this link - just entered a memory about a time when I was 5, and we made a large yellow papier mache submarine in our first year class. my friends and I hid in it one playtime from the teachers.
Now, returning to my thought track - if I were to remove that event from my memory, what would the consequence be? it didn't happen? no, not a truth - it may have been documented, recalled by others. so it does not stop the truth that, in 1984, a boy of 5 or 6 sat in a classroom with his friends spying on his friends with a periscope.
it did not happen to ME, but a 5 year old i have no connection with? I follow this thought and become mildly scared - the thoughts of being linked with a 5 year old, 24 years ago - time passed etc. I am that boy? I am a 29 year old? I am a 55 year old recalling this memory right now?
time's arrow is straight? we are mental time travellers to cite the program, and yet, with the research being done, I don't think the clues lie with our perception of time being straight but the interaction we have with it.

who am I? I am the person who was here 10 minutes ago, typing this. I am the person who half hour ago was downstairs watching horizon. An hour before that watching Torchwood [and almost crying].
or am I?


SPOILER WARNINGS FOR Fight club, THE PRESTIGE, Memento following
In the listed filmsidentity is tied with memory - filling in details to make our lives convenient or pursuing ideas based upon memory and memory alone. Horizon leads us to believe that we are only memory - and this may indeed be true - without our recall we become entities without identity - if there is no yellow submarine then there is no year old and therefore no childhood friends and no class, no education, no skills learnt and no schooling, no books read, no life from a literary point of view, no teaching, no money no London job etc etc etc
memento has a man working backwards through thoughts, memories, falsely? fight club the characters are dual natured, aspects of the whole - filling in the gaps - creating conflict at times with each other yet both with their own memories - it becomes more than just 'truth' - the characters involved can recall where they were at time x, but the evidence may not be there for such - i was making soap while tyler was blowing up credit building x - who is true?
prestige the same but with more intricacy - the sides know about each other yet still choose to live separate lives.
so identity is ties up with memory - we take that one stage further - and apply law? education?
do we need to rethink our teaching? [yes, but no just for htis revelation...]
our skills are based upon our memory and we learn in different manners, so therefore, qed, we nee to teach according to people's memory styles, not learning styles - we all need to learn how we recall events then teach accordingly - similar to learning [what is learning but memory therefore? is it an application of 'skill'
as well or is this just a facet of memory?]

heck - these toughts always come at 1-2am...
i'll hopefully write more about this altere on - though I say things like this all the time - and never get round to it - I ahve a cthulhu game to run tomorrow night and allI can focus on right now is the ideas that, within herbalism, there are cures for emmory loss and therefore, within tha ey, holds ideas for thoughts about humanity - and i get distracted by some people in my imagination running about looking for clues based on the past life of a guy called Sabine Baring gould.
we are remarkable creatures but at the same time get distracted too easily.
ooh shiny butterfly. enjoy the links - not all as first seeming...

where was I?

baring gould graves

baring gould graves, originally uploaded by crescent2007.

Once upon a time, there was a village called Lewtrenchard. And in this village there was a man called Sabine Baring-Gould. And in 1924 he died.
The inbetween is part of my Cthluhu game, and something that you, dear reader, should also research...
Enjoy.

we honeymooned on children's graves

Yes.
My friend Toby had the misfortune of going to Jersey for his honeymoon, on a certain campsite where they're currently discovering remains of children.
A truly horrific incident which I'm not making light of, just the misfortune of my friend Toby who came up with the title...

Now in Devon, having travelled, partied in Frome and now resting in Barnstaple before heading back to Londonium tomorrow,...
generally life is good, signed up with the OBOD, had some toast - waiting for mum to get ready and head off to Lewtrenchard...

happy equinox

balance.

night and day, light and dark.

a new start. I'm going to join druidry. i'm heading ot glastonbury, to talk to my older self. t reconnect.

ended up at stonehenge last night due to circumstances slightly out of my control and watched sunset and sunrise. cold. slept in the car. listened to bardic song and pop song.
now in frome. full circle it seems, or at least a small circle - last equinx i was here [was i?]
now... again.

to all who read this today, tomorrow or this weekend, happy easter, pesoch, passover, ostora, full-moon, equinx, thursday-sunday period, half term or other celebration if you're having one!

May your life and path be balanced.
Paul

TIBET

https://secure.avaaz.org/act/index.php?r=act
very simple - it's wrong. human rights are oppressed and superpowers are ignoring it because thye want cheap labour/technology/war suport.
sign here to demonstrate your awareness and support. Free. no trouble

cheers
Paul

apple pie and equinox

tomorrow night i'm gonna be driving down to frome.
so, if you're reading this and live down there - hi from me soon...
thursday morning i should be on glastonbury tor watching the sun rise. And sunset as well, witha bit of shopping on the day in the town... [ or meditation and booze...!]

thus begins the week off from school...

on other news, should be signing up for druidry tonight - so that'll be nice. [:)]
might even get chance to see devon people afterwards but driving on bank holidays isn't tempting me one bit - timing, timing...
Laters

black eye, sore back, over-active imagination

So - a victorian by the name of Charles Gould is wandering around the dragon lands, a supply teacher is nursing larp injuries [black eye made by 13 yr old Sam who got a good hit with latex sword, back pommeled to hell, mind stretched in al diretions] and a washing machine is doing its best to remove gren facepaint from a dress shirt.

Yes, a good weekend.

Now, this week i work for three out of five days, contemplate the existence of balance as equinox dras ever nearer, ponder upon where/what/who/how I'm doing this Easter/Ostora and wonder how long i can put off cleaning my shoes of mud before i go to school tomorrow [ and have to exlain many times over about the ey - need to get reiki-ing asap but being lazy now]
also got to pay some fines, sign up to the druid course ful whack and try to get my life [and body] into some semblance of order. get fit mentally, spiritually and physicaly . need to do all of this and need to sleep...

one at a time paul, one at a time.
Thanks to all who were at the event, thanks to all watching over me drive there and back and thanks to all my friends for continual support in my life so far.
its loneliness that is a kiler...

thedevoniansdance

thedevoniansdance, originally uploaded by crescent2007.

last day for registering to glastonbury... eek... not done my aunt's registration - knew there was something I forgot...

larping

2008_03_01-0027, originally uploaded by Rycochet.

forgot to comment - i did larping - here is me - in a woods - more pics somewhere - will post when less knackered - until then enjoy the pic.

holding onto nuggets #1

ok - its been too long since i wrote this - i said i'd write whenever i could, and I've not done that
how can i monitor myself when i can't even keep the basics up - hey ho..

anyhow
now at a different school, woolwich polytechnic school for boys - very good school that has a good handle on its behaviour and general outlook. Had a rubbish end of day lesson, but after the weather, who can really blame them? and the class were already raised to me as a concern class anyhow. But yes, holding onto the nuggets of a day - challenging a year 11 g&t student to write differently, pushing a drama group to better levels and discussing h.Bosch's garden...

all in all a great school - now got to sort out the rest of my life - will post more on that - hopefully- tonight - get my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen:L
moving, costs, permanency/commitment, couples and other life stuff...

more to follow

"Alert the amphibious squadron"

thank you miss jolie, now, focusing back on my life

I said I would update my life, and here I am, doing such. Now. Still single, playing two job agencies against each other and getting more money from it. That's how it goes, sorry (mainly aimed at any agency reading this - they may have a link from me sending them emails from my cv etc.)
Anyhow - working in variety of schools, working out whether or not I'm really cut out for main school teaching - despite what I've been typing, I have fluctuating days of whether or not I'm suitable for it.
medicine.
possibly - would be good to have some of my mother's skills put to use - I'm sure nursing is genetic.. more than first aid wanted though...
planning for tomorrow night's cthulhu game - also doing a LARP one day event this weekend - dragonlore larp - seems to be good - anyhow
that's my spare time
not much really to report in general - just thinking lots about decisions and things needed to get sorted - not really able to discuss them here right now - nthing heavy, just not wanting to have open field day until they're formulated a bit more. needless to say, it involves a cat, a friend, some money, cthulhu, an ink pen, some travel research and my car called Mego.
hope you're well reader.
Laters

still alive

working. resting. being.
nothing much to report. been nauhty, been nice.
eating too much junk.
just sitting here watching world go by...

better get fit i suppose.
willwrite more soon. sleep needed now

sunsets and travelling with family

at dad's.
two days ago i drove here in a hired car after delays with paperwork meant that I couldn't have car yet. so, in new upgraded hire car from 1car1 (very reasonably priced!), I spent EIGHT hours travelling up tot he lake district. yes, eight hours. 2 hours travelling across london on saturday morning - may have been less fuel if travelling at normal pace, but heck, the computer didn't know about the fifteen diferent diversions that day [nor the ineptitude of the driver to recognise a diversion sign in advance...]
so - here now - drove dad to his show in norht wales last night - and back again - had choice not to but decided would help him out AND allow for me to get more used to the car, more used to driving longer distances and also driving at night.
so, after two filling scones, a walk in grange over sands and a consideration of many differnt things, I'm here on a monday night, feeling slightly restless, slightly relaxed and glad to be with my family once more. partly want to go out though...LOL
hope you are well reader.and to matt who is hopefully reading this agin soon - my phone ran out of huice so apologies i didn't call you back - will text when back in london - which, for everyone's benefit, will be around friday

also -if i forget - don't forget everyone -
total LUNAR ECLIPSE - WEDNESDAY NIGHT...

boobies, bums, bards and alliterative b's

signed up to another ,agency yesterday. wiating on them - they offer more money and seem a bit more 'slick' in regards to the 'friendly friendly' approach of my curent agency - will see what comes about when time is right
handed in notice yetserday as well
endings and beginnings
got home after having some nice indian food and buying things to make me feel better, i went home. waiting for me was my druidry stuff. started listening to cd and fell asleep, knowing words going in somehow but ultimately will learn from it properly. have done first lesson today and set up a secondary blog to record learnings. as yet, won't make public, but be assured that it's there.
If anyone else wants to come on this journey with me, learning about druidry, speak now. we can share course materials etc and it'll be good having someone else to bounce ideas off of.
but no worries if not interested either. just watch for the growth, the change and the introspection that comes when i am allowed to think for myself about myself.
hugs to everyone reading this - there aren't enough hugs

hope you are well

fogged up 51'st

so, this is my 51'st post... yay.
fog caused my mum a problem with her driving assessment for her new job (positive thinking here) which means she'll have to resit it later.
I got stood up, ended up chatting to another guy at the bar for a bit before i left, hungry, still having not eaten, and so went to a chinese with a guy called Johan (hi Johan!)
[he was just looking at the menu, also having been stood up, by his friends admittedly, but both of us were at a loose end]

had nice food. had a nother drink or three then came back home [chatting to a group of guys who proclaimed to the train that my golden hind badge was, in actual fact, membership to 'I have a donkey-sized cock' group.... talk about universe trying to cheer me up!
Was even offered to go with them to the club, but decided against it. not really my scene and I was too knackered.
came home, had some pizza from a couple of girls on the bus [ta ladies!] and went to bed.
almost asleep when I remembered to charge my phone, came across the message:

"London's burning, or at least the bit of it called Camden"

So, finding out the details, I checke the interweb this moning and, yes indeed, Camden is burning. A pity - a great market which hopefully will rise again from the ashes, but judging from the size of the fire, unlikely for a while at least...

leaving me to do the washing, thinking about camden and the possibility that, like a few other things in London for me, it's been reduced to a pile of ashes, I'm wondering where as well as what I should be doing...
The post is weird - delayed druid stuff, delayed clubcard points... delayed sainsbury's voucher...

something i said?

Box, 3ish...

I've got a date..
*grin*

agencies are fighint over me re: work - had extremely minor episode of stress yesterday so decided to take the heeding and veer away from work. real bad day before - this job has done it for me, really, and so looking elsewhere...
anyhow, i got to get ready, meeting at - got to get my hair done *L*
nah - but do have to try on all of my vague-ly clean wahin to see what looks ok - won't take long therefore..

hope all well with you reader.

like buses... none then 3 in one day...

so, wrote to dad. got a reply. got some answers. thanks dad.
still adrift, but arranging with a friend some life coaching. waiting for the druid info to arrive as well. would be nice to have bearing. the compass works, just need a goal now.

if this seems very introspective at moment, pleae be aware i could comment about the world around me but its all the same colour at the mment. nothing is standing ou, so all i have, as descartes observed, is myself...

continuations

so.
now at school. tired. oddly enough, being aake at 4 can make you tired. should have just stayed up rather than claw back another hours sleep.
yawn
erm. teaching. secondary? primary?
what? when
do somehting completely different - csi...???

waning crescent, wolves at the door and circling helicopters

another 3.30 am rising
[need to get this keyboard changed - crap...]
just awoke after having a dream about my dad - has prompted me to ask a few questions to myself (and ultimately to him) about heritage and family tree...

there is/was/will be a helicopter circling overhead. Vulture of police, looking down, seeking someone wong. Will they ever circle to look for things right, to praise, or is our system always looking to punish, to correct, to change those wrong into our version of right. Education, criminalisation, institution... thank you blair, labour, tory, cromwell...

we come from out fathers and mothers. Two people who meet, encounter and create us. Life. Sexual union to bring forth creation. Usually a loving relationship allows for this life to come forth, but, as so common nowadays, more of a quickie in a bike shed/club/transit van and fingers crossed it doesn't happen.
*Family Planning.
Yes, lets plan the miracle of life. Lets timetable it, engineer it, push forward dates and, when inappropriate, terminate.
please note - I am NOT prolife, but prochoice. Knowing a few couples and a few individuals who have made this extremely tough decision, had to live with consequences of their choice, it is not soomething I'd wish on anyone. However, at the same time, everything happens for a reason, both the arrival of potential life and the choices we make, so...

We always live with our consequences and sometimes they niggle into or mind and affect our choices 29 years later on. I know my parents are proud of me for being who I am and will help me in any way, but, 29 years, single, childless, am I failing in my duty to continue 'the family line'? Godness knows, there are enough children in the world without intentionally* wanting to create more, but, as no loving female relationship is apparent to me, no planning of any type can occur right now.
So, respecting my elders, aware of their role in my life as parents, I look to them. They are both living in a world where their skills are overlooked, their hopes and dreams taken away due to crap governments and poor budgetting of society and I think: If they, with their abilities and aspirations, hopes and desires are not granted what they desire in life, what do I get with no dreams or aspirations?

Many people dream about winning the lottery for themselves. I'd love it to get money to look after them. They both deserve it, with their choices they've made in life, they've had harsh consequences to deal with and yet can still hold heir heads high, look the world in the face and say, "I've never intentionally set out to hurt someone. I've always done/I'm doing my best for my child/ren (mother/father). I am a good person."

This, though, doesn't seem enough. I've got friends who are religious. Different faiths, but all of them believe in a bigger picture, a plan as it were.
How does their crap in life fit into that plan? It's shaped me, true, but from a non ego-centric point of view [hard i know...], is it a matter of deservemenet or is it just fate/chance/choice?

The wolves are at the door. It's almos 4am. It's all over when the wolves break through the walls...

where ...fixing nets

so wages mucked up again
saisbury's have given me a voucher for complaining with a personally written email - reinstalling a little faith in customer service

just waiting on vdafone
and a new job idea...

just a vessel?

hey reader - how's you?
I'm ok - just typing this having now signed up for the introductory course at the OBOD (Druidry) - link here: http://www.druidry.org/modules.php?op=modload&name=PagEd&file=index&topic_id=7&page_id=47 [ some reason no allowing me to edit and can't be bothered to redo the whole thing,,,,
Maybe that'll give me some focus. some aim. Something. Because, at the moment, apart from trying to help other people around me and escaping into my imagination, it seems that I have nothing. Not in a depressive manner, just a simple one. No ambition. Ian, flatmate, is planning to move out. his goal, getting a house, is being achieved. Mine - my goal? What? I have none.

Saw Alan More yesterday - he's so nice - staying in the cold for 2-3 hours before hand isn't so nice but there we go. worth it I think to meet the guy who created the wonders which got me into Graphic novella and the whole medium of communication with picture and word.
erm...

not hungry. not overly tired (though a bit sleepy). Puizzles not rocking it. Sigh. What to do on a sunday - have the seeds to reiki and potentially tidy up the herb garden to get it resafdy for later, but... but...
oh heck, i dunno - anyone out there got any ideas????

anyone?


hello...?

imbolc

happy imbolc. ma your homes be warm, may there be light in your minds and hearts and my your path be free from obstacle.


musings later, after i've spoken to alan moore...

almos imbolc, almost time...

Time.
That bizarre concept in which we monitor the outside world, our internal thoughts and our personal and world-based expereinces. We cannot step into the same rive twice - the more we repeat Herolietus, the more we believe it. Because, even if we were able to step into the same river at the same time (with some metho of time travel) there'd be someone in the way. Ourselves. At that moment in time. And if we are to posit multiple universes, then it is not the same river we are steping into but multiple world 2's river etc.
So, hero old chap, you're right? Unless I'm applying logic and sense to impossibilities and herefore instantly limiting myself. after al, there is the world of the immateria, the imagination...

Einstein claimed that imagination is much more important stuff than knowledge. He also said that God does not play dice with the universe and that most of the stuff he did was for fun.
It's now 4.0 by the electronic version of a timepiece in the bottom righthand screen of my monitor. (that infers that it is eleven minutes past the fourth hour in the morning of the 31st january 2008 a.d. and that the time i have spent wrting this has passed... past...)

Torchwood episode from last night just watched, hence the musiings on time. Up early due to going to bed for a 'np' and sleeping unil 10pm, getting up briefly then continuing my journey into neverland/hy basil/land of nod etc...

Buddhist witha blue spiral will...
...nepal...

Something someone said - means anything to any readers out there?

Anyhow, I'm going to continue my musings into the night, reflect upon stuff and then, most likely, go for a walk.
4.14 - do you know where your time is?