having your chance...

saturday morning = rest, lie in, not work.
so, how come i'm up at half seven, feling awake and wondering about what to do today? feeling active and therefore deciding to 'do' something today, even if only go for a walk.
sigh
right - time to clear room, clear head, do washing, but food organise and arrange things better

spoke to the guy-i-finished-the-relationship-with-to-go-travelling last night. Broached the subject gently but i a half-joking manner. He looked so well, and his eyes made me melt. I couldn't help staring at him while he was eating. But, there we go. had the relationship. chose to end it. now have to face that consequence.
[and before anyone comments on how i've been a tar with loads of other people while off travelling - i am not unaware of this fact. indeed, all too aware.
Would i turn back clcock and continue... don't know. but i do know is that i will always care for him, despite him thinking i was just staring at him because he didn't eat the food his mumhad prepared but instead had brought with him a tesco's readymeal...

looks like it will be a nice day. been offered to go to a mate of mine in northampton area - have declined - i don't need extra mind stuff right now - emotional i mean - and that will just add to it - he's a grt guy but want to get things cleared with mr. Bow first...

oh what a tangled web...

Laters

arabic, hebrew, persian - having trouble with english!

yeah - english teacher suffering from the inability to speak, teach or communicate in native language - oh joy - world ocming to end or just a sign i need sleep.

WEll today was pay day - got paid, properly - nagged at agency - they sorted things out. all good
now just got to sort everything else ou - still looking for that goal - so if anyoe's got one spare that might fit?

ope all well - i'm kackered so sleepybyes nw. night

rediscovered muffins and finishing wine

9pm and all is well.
back to work after a nice relaxing weekend. CAroline visited [hello!] and we went o the british museum which she had never been to before [gasp!]
we looked at things, listened to a talk about early medieval europe , galnced at lewis chesspieces and then returned to lewisham.
we talked and watched films 1 and 2
attempted 3 but didn't have stamina
then headed our separate ways and i looked at greenwich some more. took some more pics and got ready for today
monday
day of moon - full moon as well or almost [haven't checked yet!]
school went well, but last lesson was a reminder of how teaching a non specialist subject to kids at the end of the day isn't such a great fun thing to do.
trying now to arrange to meet up with tariq - great guy - and sort out balances and things

hope you're well reader...

ooh - yeah, almost forgot - if you're reading this then you probably know of my love for comics. alan moore signing 2nd feb 2008 in london - anyone wanna join in the fun?? 2pm

a new day...

no brave new world, same stuff BUT today, first class, who last lesson were, well, (expletive inserted) to be frank, were, today... good.
not excellent model pupils, but good. fun. interested.
goodness bless the IT technician who fixed the laptop, the inventor of Friends and all deities watching down on me who gave those annyoing kids report cards who, for once, wanted to learn (threats and bribery - the cornerstones of education [was going to type corruption - interesting freudian thought there...]

ok - back to work - marking now...

anger

i will not be angry today - it wastes energy...

I tried. but with some of the pupils that are in today#'s educayion systenm, purposefully pressing all the buttons, swearing in your face, pushing past you intently. Why dio i stay here? the money? the prospect of doing good? i've been ehre, i'm on the same wheel - yet i returned to the uk with the offer of this job being something more, something better, i've been offered the 2ix role in return for? harder work - becomin (as another teacher put it) climatised to the crap we get given from the pupils?
it is not worth it.
feeling like this - that you want to hurt someone - usnure of who though - partly the pupil for getting you here, patrrtly the management structure fpor allwoing these pupils to be in your class, partly the government for letting society plunder into these depths, partly myself for allowing the children to get here...

sigh

how much do yuo have to give until you get back in return? i give and get back pieces of paper that have values to other epopel? a thank you. an appreciation? a parent or pupil giving thanks - rare - ahs happenned - but unsure whetehr it was worht it still...

many typos - not caring - will edit another life time - too mad and bitter right now to care.,

i bring you fire...

so from naked yoga sessions being offered to reading promethea by alan moore, i yearn for fire. inspiration. ambition. a goal

a mutable sagittarius, looking for a target to aim my bow and arrow. an archer sans aim. ship without anchor...
[poet without overuse of cliche?!]

anyhoo, here. waiting for agency to sort things out - they're gona lend me money again so accessable, but nt ideal - how to sort thigns - unknown but wil be doable.
right - onwards and upwards
back to book (and hopefully watching torchwood tonight as well - first episode...)

Dark mornings and free time

It went wrong.
today.
I'd like it back please.

What do you mean, not possible, learn and live with it? What have I learned today? I suffer from depression, this prevents me from getting up properly and therefore I run late for work, have to phone in late and travel a different route because transport for London don't see the necessity for a train at 8.20am to sidcup?
what have i learned today? that the school i work for are treating me like a cover teacher, that the frees i had today which i scheduled to help the school out with (by getting budgets sorted, deals arranged and things organised) wasn't possible?
that when i do cover the kids i teach don't respect you. i knew this already. i didn't need reminding...
unless...
unless this is the beginning of an awareness that mainstream teaching isn't for me. but we've been here before, I've returned to this country, doing this job to get money for travel... so why is it i feel a failure, and low, when i can't do the job to my satisfaction, having to call on senior management to 'bail me out'?
but it's ok - it's pay day.
apart from when the agency put the wages into the account you specifically tell them not to and it gets swallowed up, leaving you feel poor, useless, unable to do the things you wanted to and, ultimately, like you have no money ergo power.
i can't help out Dave. i can't give Ian the half of the money i owe him for something he's getting online. i can't by the trousers i ripped at the school i'm working at and therefore claim back yet. i can' have the drink i arranged with my friend this evening because, while on the phone she said she would get them, i wanted it to be dutch, to feel part of an older group and friendship.
so yes. today, i would like back please.
not possible?

there's always tomorrow...

In French, Tuesday is "Mardi", associating it with the planet Mars and the signs Aries and Scorpio. Tuesday is also associated with the ex-planet Pluto. People born on this day show the qualities of Mars, Aries, Scorpio, and Pluto. This marries Tuesday with ideas of strife, battles to be won and pressing issues and jobs to get sorted. It is not a day to relax.