Goldilocks, patterns and happy endings/beginnings

Well, the next few days are going to be changing - moving family around the country, moving onto next path (solstice tomorrow - tonight)
Barnstaple, solo - here is a conundrum. Being aware of who does and doesn't read my blog is one thing but - and I can't stress this enough - if you don't want full insight, read another posting now..








still here?
ok- When I'm back at home, due to being in a house where obviously it is very hard to bring anyone back, I get MORE frustrated and desiring of close physical fun with people. It's due to the 'not-being-able-to-have-syndrome and therefore finding it all the more hornier.
Sigh.
Of course, I left a relationship in London and I'm trying to work out what is going to happen when I return. I left the relationship, put him through the wringer due to it being an intense relationship for both of us (it was short term but every day presence almost), and now returning a lo earlier than planned.
What do I say - can we start where we left off? No. Not fair on either of us (more him obviously). BUT and this is where a comment made last night at a party is stil smarting but only because truth lingers a lot more...
Sagittarians are very manipulative aren't they?
Yes. Well, I am - or can be. So, I could arrange things (Mr R.Y. - if you're reading this - these are thoughts NOT plans) and have it so we were back together as I am aware a lot of people. BUT that is not me. I don't want to be alone. For all the fun I had travelling (read previous entries), I'm still wanting spmeone to curl up with - perhaps setlle down with. I gain a lot from being in a relationship, looking after someone and being looked after.
YET there are the hormones and frustration which, as a 21st century guy who likes both genders, can, in effect, (and especially at Christmas) get it 'on tap' if I wanted it. Of course, it would require alcohol, regrets on both sides and manippulation but I COULD do it.
I don't want to. I want to give up alcohol. Get settled with someone (unsure of who - the same river twice..) and get the money together to travel again.
I can't. I'm slipping back into the same patterns. I'm needing it to be a strong day and to change minds on many things. Handy, this longest night thing ain't it.
Be prepared for a long night's worth of meditation and reflection - or debauchery to get it out of my system - or..
or? heck - I dunno...
So - report on devon living:
here in the UK for a week now. And this means what?
I'm driving my grandmother, my aunt and not my mum to Reading (grandmother does not know this yet though - sheesh - cue sparks to fly soon..) on Sunday. Been getting horned to hell and trying to hok up with north devonian's to no avail (met two nice people but they didn't connect, different reasons - needless to say, one too young, one too old - great, goldilocks on gaydar..)
[Ah - hyperdiagetic narrative at moment - speaking to someone on msn - wanting the blog for today while I'm typing... hi dave...]
So - talking with different female family members and juggling their emotions. Trying to get a few silly things for my mates at Chrimbo. Working out how to become a druid. Thinking about how much money to get the herbalism course done. phone rinigng - mum, forgot some stuff - so accelerate day now
walk the dog, take in the stuff mum has forgotten. but first nature calls.
Heck, read later people, after sunset. important time for me...