Equinox. Re-addressing the balance

"I'm Sorry"

Two words which cme from the person's mouth about an hour ago. The person who I wrote about, the person who has sought counselling, healing, and medical advice. Who is choosing to make her life better.

I accepted.

I feel better - no more oath of anger around my neck, no more upset - by no means will I forget the damage done, and it will be a time yet for all the wounds to hel, bu the forst stones of the bridge are repalced with stronger ones. Ones that have been reflected upon, that have caused damage to ALL involved and now, hoefully, can be rebuilt upon.

With that being done, I now feel lighter, more tired, ready for tomorrow where I thank the universe for getting me to this point. My journal will soon, it seems, have to be redone. Saturn has returned in my chart.

I reflect on the ideas in the last few weeks that have occured - the year itself. More when I have time to understand all implications - but yes, the big dramatic thing I was expecting - wasn't big in action. It was small and frail - an apology.

It reminds me of how we are all fragile - how we are all affected by our emotions, and if I am to become a peacemaker in the world, then I had beter get used to being more damn humble and less proud. People do stupid things when they are angered - we only have to look at the world around us - as a teacher I break up many people about to fight all the time - for what? Damaged pride most of the time: "your mum" etc.
We live in a world that is damaged - where we all value things which, at the end of the day, are just opinions - reputatin, ego, identity - all are fragile and important yet ultimately valueless and irreplacable at the same time.
We do? Nohing. Everything. It matters not in the end it seems - but if we can make someone else's journey on the way a bit better - then surely the world is all the better for it.

itches, illness and 'I'

good evening reader
still ill but now got prescription [penicillin - 4x a day]. Itching to get back to work, itching because a few fleas found on cat [dealt with but still - itch itch]

I.

One tidy desk later, and consideration back again into family tree - doing a lot of research - trying to ascertain 100% each fact so back to basics - want to get it done by end of October on one branch as then i can buy a present for my paternal grandmother...
talking of grans
how do you make peace with someone who is too proud/upset/stubborn to apologise?
I don't know.
I've spoken to some of the people hurt in the matter. I 'think' I'm able to forgive her though it takes a lot of my damage to my pride to admit/permit that.
I made an oath that I wouldn't speak to the person until they apologised - or at least made first contact. How can I make contact, offer a branch of peace again without feeling like I'm surrendering something, giving in - is that just pride or is it something more, to feel inferior/superior - holding power...
as i type this i realise how petty it sounds, esp with so much crap already in the world. Yet the damage done, the wounds caused and lives affected - it wasn't just a simple argument. There were potentially legal implications, possible framing of crime, and I'm not too sure if i can just 'forgive' that...

Without too much detail, I helped someone out. The help resulted in things not going the person's way. The person blamed me, despite everything I did being done with permission and acceptance. But. But. not enough. The end result was a great loss to the person and things were left hanging. I tried to explain but the hurt felt was too much - I was the object and target for the hurt - and anyone who assisted was also targeted. Unfairly but then when you are in grief for loss, you don't thin straight.
Yes, I'm defending the person's actions, being able to see it in a fairer way.
Is it enough to offer friendship or should I ensure that the bridge is built? Surely it is two-way?
Time is not with me though - I have a feeling this person is getting older quickly and may be getting ill..
Bury the past and salvage the present? But how without causing an upset to the people around me who are also hurting?
Sigh

...the ties that bind us...

Pruning my life ? Erm...

Ok - so astro.com - a very good website - is informing me of this - I've got 6 days to go it seems for this effect on me - nt much has really happened - got back to school, had a cough, mark died [ not meaning to be glib, but he wasn't real close and I've had closer friends die in the past - trying to say - not a major shift or difference in my life]

So this is how it reads:
Saturn conjunction Saturn: Pruning your life
5 September 2008 until 21 September 2008: This is one of the most important times in your life. A major cycle of experience is closing, and great changes are about to take place. How great these changes are depends largely on what you have been doing with your life over the past several years. Have you been living as you feel you should or as you think others want you to? If you have been doing the latter, this influence will have a greater impact.

This influence occurs about every twenty-nine years. The first such influence occurs now that you are about twenty-nine.

Last year, many aspects of your life have begun to change. Relationships may have changed, and you may have changed your residence or your job; you have been dominated by an urgent feeling that if you don't do everything you have always wanted to do, you will never have another chance. And now, at about twenty-nine, you will feel that a substantial portion of your life has passed and that you had better get on with making it all work. If your relationship is unsatisfactory but you have been making the best of it, you will examine that relationship even more thoroughly now and may decide to end it. Certainly you will have to change it substantially. The same is true of any other aspect of your life that you have tolerated but not found very rewarding.

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life.

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. If you have been doing what you should in previous years, this influence will simply mark a time of solidification and the beginning of new phases of activity.

full moon healing

full moon tonight - looked impressive as i drove to tescos to get a set of muffins and mini bottle of red wine.
Didn't see it as i sat in my garden with said tesco merchandise and focused on healing those close to me.
still - little tired - didn't go into work today due to my lungs being sponsored by expectant.com: "for all your phlegmy chest needs..."
[cough cough]
anyhow, I'm now back inside, £35 down as my cat decided to get bitten on its lower back by another cat and required an antibiotic shot, laden with books c/o freecycle more props for cthulhu] and a floor covered in apers that i promised I'd tidy this evening.
Not yet it seems
STILL lacking a focus - wanting to learn more patience yet getting impatient doing so - ha, yes i see the irony, and learning BSL as well so keeping acive [ keeping depression away] but ultimately, like a lot of people on this spinning orb of ours, wondering what's it all for.
ideas on a postcard to...

sleep well reader...sleep well

Dr Mark Steel - RIP

 

Mark Steel died on Monday.

Who? Get comfy - this'll take a while. A few years ago I went out with a really nice guy. One of his best mates was a bloke called Mark Steel, a Senior Lecturer in Economics at Bristol Uni and he would host us staying the night when we all would go out on the lash. He had a balcony that looked over Bristol and was a great place to watch fireworks.  His health was not good in the recent months and he had deteriorated a lot. He died on Monday just gone. That's his death. His life...

His mother, from what I gather, is quite a puritan. So much so that the almighty porn stash that a single guy generally accumulates in his lifetime was discovered by her at one point and made for one of those 'anecdotal tales' down the pub. Don't ask about the welcome mat. And other such sordid and witty tales down the pub he had plenty of. He was always surrounded in stories of ventures and actions recently done, yet kept very much to himself most of the time. He was a great friend at the time of myself going out with Stephen [afore mentioned boyfriend] and offered his place, his company and his wisdom freely. He didn't have much in worldly possessions and was very happy with some audio tapes and a television for company a lot of the time.

We would go for a drink or thirty and enjoy REAL ALE in a REAL ALE pub, where people are rated by size of beard and belly, not IQ and car.

I've heard that his death, in some manners, will be a good thing, releasing him from pain. I hope this to be the case, as the world is  slightly less wittier place without such a man and, in my limited view, a poor trade off but fully understandable one. 

The Weatherspoons in Bristol will never be the same...

RIP Dr Mark Steel, Sept 8th 2008

YouTube - Flight of the Conchords Ep2 Inner City Pressure

this sums up how i feel at the moment - that and the wabbit bweasts....

went out with a gd friend from uni - still want to be her boyfriend but will wait.wait.wait...

Shift Happens

It sure does.

Ala Moore talks about the world turning to steam. 2012. This comments about the info increase and exponential growth.

I work in an academic institution. A school. In fighting. No discussions. People riling up about little stuff, big stuff - no communication. I want to just do my job an carry on working - but no, I feel obliged to involve myself somehow...

sigh

Are you well in your space of the world reader? I hope so, I hope so... watch this. Enjoy.