number 70

i've ranted and railed about how my family have treaten me - to a few friends now - that it only leaves the siple facts which, being tired, i don't want to rake over. but i will because i am a man of my word.
my great uncle ronnie died 2 fridays ago.
my nan, obvously upset, asked me to help out
i got papers from his house to help identify if there was a will, what it said if so, and where solictor was if not.
found will, unsigned, unwitnessed.
found solicitor who ahd an invalid will
meaning everything would go to other side of family.
cue three days of denying my faily the papers i'd gathered while i sought legal advice and my nan turned.
my nan is not well, my cousin wants to do things his own way and my mum, aunt and myself are caught in the middle - with me the bad guy
i amde an oath:
i will not talk to my nan again until she communicates with me first.

i meant and mean it though - enough is enough

i also got an email from a friend who i have a history wih - discussing our differences and similaities, highligting cerain truths which, while i am raw, aren't worth focussing on right now - tomorrow.


i also went to radstock and asw another friend onroute - though i lef behind m bel... careless... won't say why but i'm sure, dear reader, you can fill in some blanks.
yes, even in desir and anger i can find time for amusing myself...



i will rest now. long. then tidy evrything up again and prepare for this upcoming week... the storm is just gathering...

positivity

LIVE WORK LOVE
LAUGH GATHER GREET
STAY TRADE TRAVEL
BELIEVE BUILD
EAT DRINK & PLAY
SEE HEAR TASTE
TOUCH SIT
BREATHE SLEEP
TEACH LEARN
CARE CREATE
SOW GROW & REAP

these words are in shardeloes road on the way to new cross from brockley in london.
good words.
words that, right now, seem ever more important

write it and it will happen?

last three titles - death.
coincidence? As I'm progressing on in my life, looking at my spiritual development, trying not to be egocentric but self-focussed instead [difference will be explained one day!] I'm noticing more and more the patterns that occur around me.
is it more than just noting the patterns with divination?
Shrug
Anyhow - Ronnie left no valid will. My maternal family are sorting things out - or trying to.
If youa re reading this and have more assets than 10pence, write a will. Get it signed and witnessed. Please.
My family this week have gone through ehll, I have had to keep secrets, enquire about law and learn more about family dynamics than i thought previously possible.
Sigh
And now? Now my grandmother is grieving, upset, bitter and hardening tot eh world. "Its not about the money"
Yet it seems, after all, it is.
For those close to me in London, you know how things like this develoop in my family. For those elsewhere - I'll be coming to your doorstep real soon if things don't get balanced out.
This will tear my family apart unless it is calmed, sorted and organised and it is hard to watch that develop while knowing you ahve done all you can. To then have that hard work thrown back in your face hurts. Angers. REALLY angers.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,
mustn't call...
9
breathe
10
there
now where were we? ah yes. family. can't choose them...

RIP Ronnie

My uncle died on Tuesday. His body was found yesterday.
He, therefore, was lying dead for three days before he was found and processes could be put into place.

My nan is in shock. My mum and aunt are dealing with the emotional side but it results in my nan being his executor of will and therefore I foresee a potential of legal mess and jargon alongside the usual emoional upheaval a death causes.

I am trying not to be so blunt but it is hard when faced with another death in so short a time. Death. End of life.

I just feel sorry that he died alone, but we offered him respite, a connection often. He chose his solitute, not wanting to leave Steve's side [my aunt], her house and his, the last connection to her. Now he is gone and regardless of faith, he is now with her in some manner or other.

I, as always, will help as best I can, but I fear for the next fortnight - it will be a strain on all concerned. Let us hope that the peace he has found will be a comfort to all involved.

Rest in peace Ronnie and Steve, together now.

Ronald Leyman, died 25th March 2008.

back to statistics

When I was 14, starting ks4 in mathematics, we were asked to examine something for statistics coursework. I started to investigate memory - taking ona huge project and eventually had to whittle it down to something simple [mainly for purpose of marking, research, time etc..]
but the issue stuck. in my memory. loitered in the background.

I went to university. studied philosophy, examined the nature of existence of dentity from a self-perspective, subjective and objective point of view. what are we? a continual temporal being held together by memory.
I remove some part of that chain of events - Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday and I am left with a gap, indeed, something existentially missing - where was 'i' that day?

this isn't just ramblings - bear with me...

I've just watched a repeat version of Horizon [bbc science program] on memory which examined the idea of memory, scientifically, and the effects and such upon our very thought processes, existence and survival.
I recall events. they in turn become 'malleable' again and are reformed by my reinterpretation of them - i remember my memory of the event, and so on, rather than the actual event -like re-recording the same program on a videotape...
consequences: tape wears out the more i think about it, or, like a muscle, it gets stronger? our memory is created, shaped?, by the synapses, connections between brain cells that form and reform dependant upon our age, chemical balance, health, memory, event, strength of mind...
insert: Magical memory tour - the horizon program had this link - just entered a memory about a time when I was 5, and we made a large yellow papier mache submarine in our first year class. my friends and I hid in it one playtime from the teachers.
Now, returning to my thought track - if I were to remove that event from my memory, what would the consequence be? it didn't happen? no, not a truth - it may have been documented, recalled by others. so it does not stop the truth that, in 1984, a boy of 5 or 6 sat in a classroom with his friends spying on his friends with a periscope.
it did not happen to ME, but a 5 year old i have no connection with? I follow this thought and become mildly scared - the thoughts of being linked with a 5 year old, 24 years ago - time passed etc. I am that boy? I am a 29 year old? I am a 55 year old recalling this memory right now?
time's arrow is straight? we are mental time travellers to cite the program, and yet, with the research being done, I don't think the clues lie with our perception of time being straight but the interaction we have with it.

who am I? I am the person who was here 10 minutes ago, typing this. I am the person who half hour ago was downstairs watching horizon. An hour before that watching Torchwood [and almost crying].
or am I?


SPOILER WARNINGS FOR Fight club, THE PRESTIGE, Memento following
In the listed filmsidentity is tied with memory - filling in details to make our lives convenient or pursuing ideas based upon memory and memory alone. Horizon leads us to believe that we are only memory - and this may indeed be true - without our recall we become entities without identity - if there is no yellow submarine then there is no year old and therefore no childhood friends and no class, no education, no skills learnt and no schooling, no books read, no life from a literary point of view, no teaching, no money no London job etc etc etc
memento has a man working backwards through thoughts, memories, falsely? fight club the characters are dual natured, aspects of the whole - filling in the gaps - creating conflict at times with each other yet both with their own memories - it becomes more than just 'truth' - the characters involved can recall where they were at time x, but the evidence may not be there for such - i was making soap while tyler was blowing up credit building x - who is true?
prestige the same but with more intricacy - the sides know about each other yet still choose to live separate lives.
so identity is ties up with memory - we take that one stage further - and apply law? education?
do we need to rethink our teaching? [yes, but no just for htis revelation...]
our skills are based upon our memory and we learn in different manners, so therefore, qed, we nee to teach according to people's memory styles, not learning styles - we all need to learn how we recall events then teach accordingly - similar to learning [what is learning but memory therefore? is it an application of 'skill'
as well or is this just a facet of memory?]

heck - these toughts always come at 1-2am...
i'll hopefully write more about this altere on - though I say things like this all the time - and never get round to it - I ahve a cthulhu game to run tomorrow night and allI can focus on right now is the ideas that, within herbalism, there are cures for emmory loss and therefore, within tha ey, holds ideas for thoughts about humanity - and i get distracted by some people in my imagination running about looking for clues based on the past life of a guy called Sabine Baring gould.
we are remarkable creatures but at the same time get distracted too easily.
ooh shiny butterfly. enjoy the links - not all as first seeming...

where was I?

baring gould graves

baring gould graves, originally uploaded by crescent2007.

Once upon a time, there was a village called Lewtrenchard. And in this village there was a man called Sabine Baring-Gould. And in 1924 he died.
The inbetween is part of my Cthluhu game, and something that you, dear reader, should also research...
Enjoy.

we honeymooned on children's graves

Yes.
My friend Toby had the misfortune of going to Jersey for his honeymoon, on a certain campsite where they're currently discovering remains of children.
A truly horrific incident which I'm not making light of, just the misfortune of my friend Toby who came up with the title...

Now in Devon, having travelled, partied in Frome and now resting in Barnstaple before heading back to Londonium tomorrow,...
generally life is good, signed up with the OBOD, had some toast - waiting for mum to get ready and head off to Lewtrenchard...