sliding doors, sliding friends

SLIDING VIDEO

ok this is cool...
well done oscar

gay pride/shame

4.49am - two night buses and i am now home, typing a blog entry - this can only mean two things - i'm extremely hapy or depressed - bit of both actually dear reader.
the lows of the evening - droping my drink in front of a really cute guy and basically stating " i cannot hold my alcohol - literally" t him via the media of clumsiness.
Meeting up with a guy wh turned out to be 'nice' but basically waiting for an opportunity to dump me an not admit to my face. "back in a minute..." guys - I'm 30 - wok it out - heard it before...

positives: met a really nice guy called oscar who, despite being hot, was not into me or i him and thus we had a good evening chatting, hunting for his friends and realising that we had exactly the same tastes in a few things. sigh - great on apper but in reality just friends... so when the guy we had both described came to us, flirted a little, well, he didn't stand a chance. no wait, he did, he already had a boyfriend and, to quote oscar "ws patronisingly nice and then gave us his pity goodbye speech" [paraphrased.

Lw - hit on at bus stop by desparate gay man who i had to lank to keep a distance from - hate blankking people but this was a guy who had too much to drink and wl could have got nasty.

a friend of mine confided in me lots of lows - i feel sorry for her and powerless - i hate feeling this but when she's elsewhere in the country and her situation unsolvable - what to do????

back to basics now - tidy life, get ready for work - sigh...
enjoy the evening reader - i'll try...

new terms, new ideas

term is a word that has to be spelled out in sign language. no term or term.
new term at school. more stress. half the department are leaving - no exaggeration - i do fractions, teaching maths and all.
well, it's a hot night in londinium - wondering when i'll begin to feel sleepy or at least fatigued enough to go to sleep - thinking how interesting it would be to go to a training inset session without any sleep - but don't think that'll be fair on anyone [including me..]
so - awake and trying not to lok at the piles of clean washing that need sorting, the books that need shelving, the papers that need going through, the phone with messages that need to be replied to...
what else - typing crap now just to generally do something - while chill out music assails my ears... and i contemplate whether it is i or he keyboard i am using to explain for the typos - half and half i think...

halves -
bisexual. bipolar. bisected personalities.
the ultimate two-face from batman?! well - i don;t know what to do - fight crime - not skilled enough or fit enough [ something for a whole new rant - thank you depression for ruining yet another way of fighting depression and fat...]
it's bloomin hot
the chilling music is now something else - like lift music for stoned people...

bored. irritable... fidgety
[that may be the can of coke kicking in o just restlessness and tiredness.... itchyitchy...]
ok - ending this rambling tirade of words nw - hope all well out there in sleeping comfortable land...

depression

people don't understand it - those who haven't experienced it - i'm not talking about the stuff like "i'm low coz of x, y, z" - I'm talking/writing about the suden pang of "why am i alive - fuck this - I'm going to leave everything I've worked for" state of mind which comes out of the blue/brown/grey and hits you like a slow smothering hand over your face.
Shake it off - can't.
Walk it off - exercise -when it looms you just want to give in - and sometimes, sometimes, that's what is best rather than worst - to make it done with quicker -but right now, right now i'm fighting it - eating better and typing about it - to name it - to identify it to face it.
Now, this will get reported in some manner of note on facebook later as well - but for now, for now it is observed by only those who bother looking at my blog from original source.
I'm 30 now - the 30th wheel has turned - and I wonder what is next - and i get scared - not for myself but for those around me - i can handle the monotony [scrap that, i can't - but i do a damn sight better illusion of it than others around me] - no - in all honesty i'm scared for those around me who, well, lets face it, are scared to live.
next?
next i pretend to care about my job and get ready for work - i pretend to give two shits about the future of some kids who, ultimately, don't give two shits about themselves and who will end up recycling the same garbage - goodness, i'm on a rant right now.
should i stop - naah - those people who claim to know me - read my words and enjoy the thoughts of the darker side of my mind. but don't comment or tell me it'll get better or cheer up or such - it's crap. stephen fry is bipolar. my mother is depressive. my father is depressive. my grandmother has mental health issues. my father is losing his memory.
my headspace is out to lunch...

10 zulus buggered my cat

and other facial nerves...

yes, thus was the conversation in my car as I finished BSL this evening, drove someone back in the snowglobe effect environs as I went to pick up the cat-mans LARP gear for this weekend.
make much sense - not really - but thus is my world. I work in a school teaching a subject I'm not trained in, where the students I each are a mix of excellent and diabolical, their home lives make me grin, despair and worry and ultimately I long to be a student again, having fun, drinking odd concoctions and to only worry about an essay rather than 45 students grades...
but heck - life ain't like that - apparently I'm a professional and we take things one step at a time - not looking at the unreachable goals we set ourselves but looking down to see how far we have come. For me, and for those reading this on facebook, do not worry - I am fine. I just worry about those around me: the student who is beaten by a parent, the depressives who harm themselves in many ways, the colleagues who work under management blind, or uncaring, to their needs and a friend or sixteen who despertely need more self confidence once more.
People - you're all fabulous - be true to yourselves and have a great weekend - i'll be in an iron age hut being cold, non-miserable, drunk on mead and looking into the flames of the past - enjoy your snow-filled durations...

they're com-ing....

mobile no more?

This blog started off with me travelling - I'm now getting to a point where i don't want to travel so much, though i still yearn for foreign climes and ultimately know that I will move to another country within the next few years.
But, and saying this in a anything can happen way, know that I'm probably not going anywhere for a bit [bar holidays].
Now - now, I'm without a mobile phone and it feels nice knowing that I have t initiate contact with people, although those people who really need to get hold of know where I live and should have my landline I'm freer, richer and less bothered by people just 'checking up on me' - ironically I complain when peopel don't contact me as well but there we go - sometimes we need some space to ourselves, and sometimes we need people around.
I'm well, a little tired, preparing for a LARP this coming w/e and thinking about next week and visiting family. It'll be the first time I see my grandmother's new house, and I'm a little daunted by the amount of continual travelling I do - when will I settle??

Horse-piss, heart-ache and Hart no more

No more Tony Hart... shame. He was a lovely, excellent, inspiring man. RIP.

I finished reading Perseopolis

I had a one-night 'thing' with an ex, oping for it to turn out to start into something fresh, new, exciting. Too much whisky though and a reluctance to go into a relationship left me feeling sour?bitter?upset?tired?frustrated?longing?hoping?mournful?depressed? most of the day, leaving me to eat lots, be tired lots and buy random crap I don't need [but some really cool books too...]
Hope you are well reader it's too late, I've not done half the things I should've but I need sleep.
The weekend has taken bits out of me and left me feeling again [a good thing in itself as I had felt numb previously] - just not feeling good.

co2, c u later?

ok - so I put my name to the plot...
http://www.greenpeace.org.uk/climate/airplot/about-airplot

click and find out
what are we doing in the uk? really? we're letting the government control us slowly and more and more and for what? ultimately - i don't want to be here any more - canada is looking inviting...

I've just been described on a friend's website as a type of creature that, as I try not to put my name to this, my surname will be [surname] -

1: Collector of books, especially old ones and usually obtained for nothing or for 'bargain prices - honest!' 2: Dissarranger of order. The mere presence of a [surname]will cause rooms to untidy themselves and all vitally needed objects to hide or flee into different rooms. 3: A force that is there for one when needed. 4: A friend who has earned my respect by being himself.

I like it.

It sums me up well and, frankly, is flattering without egotistical. Grin.
hope you're well - not much to report bar the return to work, the tirenes of a week after work and that New year thing which has made me reflect a little about organisation. Or lack of [see definition 2....]

cthulhu - from line 1 we have scary geek...

calls for cthulhu - nice..



but if ever I become this guy - shoot me ok?
[and for those who say it's too late, I only got 12 points...]

MMIX or 2009-ish

Well, a year ago it was 2008 - and I was not expecting the upheaval that the last year was. It saw arguments, unsettlings, forgiveness and tiredness.
Illness and worry was only over-ridden by the amount of escapism I found with my friends in fantasy worlds of LARP and the friendships made in these groups would only strengthen my love for humanity.
I'm tired.
2009 and already I've gone rgey - grin - mainly due to the fact thatb in my hair is white hairspray from the fasntasy-porn stars themed new years eve party I'm currently still at.
Death and birth continue their circle in the world, with my friend Nirvana giving birth to lovely twins and the death of my great uncle and a friend called Angharad reminding me only of how grief can affect many on different levels.
Ambition and focus come only in miniature form this year - one of my 30th birthday presents was a set of miniatures for Cthulhu - I'm paining them and therefore have to purely focus on one thing for a while. A useful ability which will prove useful later.
I'm a teacher of maths. I'm a friend to many. I'm a family member to two separate families which has been researched back to the 1790s and I'm typing this while a group of kids jump on a mate of mine.
It's life.
I'm alive, living and typing. Illness is left behind in 2008 - for me anyhow.
Bring on 2009...

first day off - so...

I'm a teacher.
First day off is today - so I wake up with a sore throat, tired as hell [noting to do with fact I went to be at 2.30am and got p at 7.45am - ta cat and auto waking sequence - no nothing at all...]
anyhow - yes - I'm now awake.
Tired but awake.
If I go to sleep again, I'll just wake up crabbier and even more tired so I'll get an early night and - er..
Right my plans - lets work backwards from it
25th is the Christmas day thing - I'm in Lake district so need to get there. Said I'd be there for the
23rd - so travel to lake district on this date.
21st/22 [20th?] is solstice so need to be there for that - checking date now....2008

21 December, 12.04

right so 21st I want to be somewhere - as eddie izzard puts it -aahhoohharhhhhhmmmmm.

I want to visit two friends in Northampton on route to the lakes and preferably be with them solstice
I'd like to get to Devon too for present giving and picking up things, but looking more unlikely due to amount of travel involved and other factors.

will post more in a bit

passing 101

thank you pascal, toroun and others on the course for support - George Orwell for the fear and the understanding of numbers - and you, dear reader, for your continued support.
What am i going on about? The BSL course I am currently studying - passed the first assessment.
currently really tired, il - coughing lots - apparently heading down to Devon tomorrow - unsure at current though car is now full - packing a bag tomorrow morning anyhow so either way I'm able to...
just gotta decide if well enough for work now. - will decide I morning
hope you're well

renaming the blog?

I'm 30.
part of me, the 12-17 year old of me thought I would never make it - not in a morbid- "I'm gonna die" but in a prophecy, examination of future way of course, I may be dead and not know it - but as I feel alive still, I'm gonna assume the best/worst and be alive some more.
So - 30.
My bed breaks, I have a snowball fight [it snowed on my birthday in London - how cool?!!], lovely drink sessions with friends - watch a burlesque show [mainly a set of drag artists - very good bu not really that 'burlesque' - still fun though, 30 kisses in as many minutes, skulls with disco-balls in [thanks queen of zombies for that], sabine baring gould, chocolate mushrooms, re wine, more red wine, mead, a lovely Indian dinner, some great books, friends, a day off work sick, catch up with work, losing my mobile phone, tutoring, being exhausted - yes, life is pretty much the same, but with more clutter and fun things to play with.

this weekend I go to Somerset and Bristol/bath.

next w/e, i go to devon.

then is run up to Christmas - my bsl exam is next Thursday and, oh yes, my life is still chaotic, calm and dull yet's full of friends and having fun - sigh - wanting more and at the same time just wanting to rest for a bit - had 12 hours sleep yesterday, woke up in middle of night though due to inability to sleep more than 7 hours now.

Now - now I'm trying to get to sleep - updating my blog and wondering whether or not i go straight to he southwest from work and, if so, whether i should pack my overnight bags now or later tomorrow morning - ...
whats a jet setter like me supposed to do??
[sleep...]

getting a cake out of my wife

ok - well that title could have been slightly less innuendo - tomorrow night I'm going to the World's End Pub in Camden - yay me - my birthday celebrations in london kick off....
10 pm firday night my wife [long story short: basically a woman called Alexia on new year's eve a few year's back, said that she couldn't be embarrassed - i said i could - I stood on a chair and announced that I'd like everyone in that pub to raise a glass to my new wife to be as I has just asked her to marry me and she had said yes [ she hadn't done anything of the sort]
she, me 'wife' went scarlet, and for the next hour people congratulated us, one even bought us both a drink!!!

so yes - tomorrow she's brining cake hopefully, my friends from uni are coming and some others from LARP and we will all get messy with booze... yay

egg moon

So, on the way home from a debauched night out at 'fire', two children describing the moon as an egg - and yes, indeed, it did look like an egg in the sky!
I'm tired but celebrating my 30th in good fashion - if you're reading this and in Devon, I'm coming there in three weeks time - next weekend in London - eating in Babur on the Sunday after going to a burlesque show the night before [ and GAY late as wel I imagine!]
OK - thats generally it
for now - i need sleep...

cock in frock on rock

People aren't chocolates. People are just bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.- scrubs

Not how I feel at all, just really like the quote.

How DO I feel? A few people asking me that recently - apart from the obvious - meh - I'm not to sure - I'm living every day from one to the next, like most people, mindful of the world going on, the wars, the elections of new people etc. but in truth - I don't really care abut anything outside of me own world of experience? Selfish - probably, but that's the truth of things right now.

It's my 30th in a few weeks, I don' really know or care abou the next number, despite this blog being names after the belief of Saturn returning being a major influence in my life and the baggage that comes with '30' - but heck, 23rd of this month, I become a year older.
I'm still being a tart, a bad man, a single guy looking for love in allthe wrong places - and, ultimately [and this is the true sense of irony] - finding it but usually in couples. Yes, dear friends, I'm the third wheel on many lover's bicycles at the moment. A good or bad things - well it gets me attention adn some 'lovin'' but just highlights the loneliness when I return back from the meaty places of the north [you know who you are] and sleep in a large empty bed.
What to do - whine on a log? Watch re-runs of Scrubs? Eat pizza after a meal already eaten? so far so good then...

Poisonous Monkeys, sore ribs and a great deal of fun

And so it came to an end
The LARP [Live action role play]] that I was running and planned for over a season now fully played out over the past weekend. More will be written on it when I m less tired, but needless to say, EVERYONE enjoyed themselves [a rarity in ANY Larp] all went well and, ultimately, we ended up saving the world but starting the seeds for WW2. A good turn of affairs I think?!

Now, I've got to get ready for work tomorrow - would like a day off but not risking it, esp with temperamental departments - thanks to anyone who came to play or crew - Caroline, if you're reading this - had a GREAT time with everyone you sent to me, no anti-matter and a good end night last night too...

Take care good reader, happy All Hallow's and tread carefully once more into the night...

28 hours later

greetings reader
The difference a day can make huh? Ok - so despite being melancholic, I decided to haul myself to the World Zombie Day.
Well worth it, and now, I'm dripping after a bath to remove the gore, the bruising face paint and the talc in the hair.
All good. Mny new friends made and...grin... a date as well.
Yes, when you're not looking for it - blahblahblah - but hey - out of the ball park - not expecting it to happen due to nature of who was asking and the state they were in = but heck - not complaining at all if it were to happen!
Right- onwards to plan my live cthulhu event this friday - eek - contacting many people in quick fashion!
Hugs to all