depression

people don't understand it - those who haven't experienced it - i'm not talking about the stuff like "i'm low coz of x, y, z" - I'm talking/writing about the suden pang of "why am i alive - fuck this - I'm going to leave everything I've worked for" state of mind which comes out of the blue/brown/grey and hits you like a slow smothering hand over your face.
Shake it off - can't.
Walk it off - exercise -when it looms you just want to give in - and sometimes, sometimes, that's what is best rather than worst - to make it done with quicker -but right now, right now i'm fighting it - eating better and typing about it - to name it - to identify it to face it.
Now, this will get reported in some manner of note on facebook later as well - but for now, for now it is observed by only those who bother looking at my blog from original source.
I'm 30 now - the 30th wheel has turned - and I wonder what is next - and i get scared - not for myself but for those around me - i can handle the monotony [scrap that, i can't - but i do a damn sight better illusion of it than others around me] - no - in all honesty i'm scared for those around me who, well, lets face it, are scared to live.
next?
next i pretend to care about my job and get ready for work - i pretend to give two shits about the future of some kids who, ultimately, don't give two shits about themselves and who will end up recycling the same garbage - goodness, i'm on a rant right now.
should i stop - naah - those people who claim to know me - read my words and enjoy the thoughts of the darker side of my mind. but don't comment or tell me it'll get better or cheer up or such - it's crap. stephen fry is bipolar. my mother is depressive. my father is depressive. my grandmother has mental health issues. my father is losing his memory.
my headspace is out to lunch...