ups and downs, going in circles

I am physically unwell
therefore
I need to rest
therfore
I need to stay at home
therefore
My mental healt starts deteriorating
therefore
I need to get some exercise
therefore I need to be physically well
but
I am physically unwell... so...

Welcome o my world. The school I am at are asking for me to write ofsted level of cover- which I am not going to do - but have provided the school with the cover I'd normally do - I asked HOD to look it over and noone got back to me so assume it was ok.
now - i need to rest - but with no money I ned to tutor - which prevents rest and so the circle continues

my mind is not in a great place.
I am lonely. tired. tired of being stuck indoors. of being frustrated. of being stck in this country. of feeling alone. of.. of... [making excuses?]

i dunno - all i want is a room somewhere -

Coke and the Devil

Coca-cola vs Belching out the devil

This si the argument that is about to occur in my brain in the next few days. I'm going to be reading Mark Thomas' new book, Belching Out The Devil.

He will be attacking the company [or, rather, has attacked already and I will be rading about it so the tense is past present?] and I will ned to make a decision about the world. Globalisation. Itll be the next step towards me either becoming a 'treehugger', a protestor, an activist, or a daily mil reader laughing at those 'hippy-world-lovers, driving a BMW some more'...

Cough
Still home from work - gonna be working on the family tree, some more druidry stuff and the life in general.
Sigh. You ok reader? I'm dreaming of dead people...

99.3%

Got this in an email - I'm off work due to tonsilitis not clearing up and coughing loads - so doc signed me off for a week - gonna phone the school tomorrow - reading it actally due to not knowing how a week of will be tken - but will take it al as I need the rest it seems - and the worst time to go in is when you're STARTING to feel better - becuse then you get knowcked for 6.
sigh
here we are - again - learning from being still...

back to this email:
Dear friends,

Canada, France and Italy are threatening to break their poverty promises by slashing aid budgets. Sign the petition to stop them -- and poverty expert Jeff Sachs will deliver our messages to world leaders gathered at the UN this week!

World leaders gather this Thursday at the United Nations to renew the fight against extreme poverty. But three countries -- France, Canada, and Italy -- are threatening to undermine the world's anti poverty efforts, by slashing their development aid budgets and breaking their international promises.

Sarkozy, Harper, and Berlusconi promised to contribute 0.7% of their national income to fighting poverty -- aid money that would save millions of lives, and still leave these donor countries with 99.3% of their money. But apparently, they think 99.3% is not enough.

Our best chance to keep these rich countries to their word on aid delivery is to raise the alarm in New York this week. Sign our petition now, spread it to friends and family -- and our friend, world famous economist and top UN official on poverty, Jeffrey Sachs will deliver it in speeches to the assembled heads of state at the UN summit this Thursday. The more names on the petition, the stronger the message that promises on poverty must be kept. Click below to sign now:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/poverty_promise_breakers

We know that public outcries like this one can work -- because massive people-powered movements have transformed the fight against poverty over the last decade. The Jubilee movement cancelled hundreds of billions in dictator debt in 2000, and pushed world leaders to adopt the Millennium Development Goals to cut world poverty in half by 2015. In 2005, poverty campaigners the world over won commitments from G8 leaders to double aid to Africa. Because of these efforts millions of poverty related deaths have been stopped and millions more children are attending school, sleeping under anti-Malaria bed nets, and drinking clean water. Denmark, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden have all exceeded the 0.7% target and in this year aid rose in real terms in nine EU countries. If all countries stick to their promises, programmes fighting disease and alleviating extreme poverty could be scaled up across the world.

But this year, some rich-country leaders apparently think that the public no longer cares about poverty. In Canada, which kept 99.7% of its income last year, Stephen Harper seems more interested in winning his election than in upholding Canada's tradition of moral leadership. France's Sarkozy, for all of his diplomatic efforts, appears to think that his people don't care about lives and deaths beyond his borders. And in Italy -- already one of the stingiest donors in the world -- Berlusconi appears happy to slash crucial funding, even though, as host of next year's G8 summit, his actions set an example for the other richest countries.

French and Italian Avaaz members are already flooding their governments with thousands of messages about aid. But those of us in the rest of the world can play a crucial role as well--sending Harper, Sarkozy, and Berlusconi a clear signal that we expect them to keep to their word -- so please help us raise an outcry that can't be ignored at the UN summit:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/poverty_promise_breakers

In recent years, millions have been galvanized by a vision: that ours can be the generation that ends extreme poverty. With other crises vying for our attention, the strength of this vision is now being tested. Let's join together and ensure that leaders keep their promises -- so that the promise of human potential in even the poorest communities can be unleashed.

With hope,

Ben, Alice, Ricken, Graziela, Paul, Milena, Iain, Veronique, Brett -- the entire Avaaz team

PS: For a report on Avaaz's campaigning so far, see: https://secure.avaaz.org/en/report_back_2

Sources:

Fact sheet on Official Development Assistance from rich countries:
http://www.oecd.org/dataoecd/27/55/40381862.pdf

More on the Millennium Development Goals:
http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/

Bono and Jeffrey Sachs' blog on the poverty debate this week in New York:
http://blogs.ft.com/mdg/

To learn more about the international campaigning that has moved governments in recent years, see:
http://www.whiteband.org and http://www.inmyname.com/ and http://www.one.org/international/

More on concern about France's meeting 0.7% targets see:
http://www.oecd.org/document/45/0,,en_2649_201185_40948205_1_1_1_1,00

More on Canada's backtracking on 0.7% commitment:
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/story.html?id=9c489487-aab9-477c-babf-5d109566df2f&p=2

To see the 2008 report on governmental aid to Africa see:
http://www.one.org/report/en/press.html

To learn about Jeffrey Sachs' work on UN Millennium Development Goals see:
http://www.unmillenniumproject.org

To see examples of how aid is working see:
http://www.millenniumpromise.org and http://www.mdgmonitor.org/factsheets.cfm

weirdness and weirdos - belching with coke

Cthulhu - film coming out soon - nuff siad there - dribble dribble [gay men and lovecraft - happy times ahead then!]
went to book reading of mark thomas - mark thomas was god. his forum group were... er... erm... "very nice people but I don't my children hanging around that house anymore..." people.
Some people should stay online. Some should not. Myself and my friend from Devon did not Unfortunately neither did they...

"Look - its a dancing table look, it's imaginary - I'm not real."
Thank you....

Read the book - enjoy.

Equinox III

blackbird leads to deer...
check.

on first approach to Greenwich park, I wondered where would be best - I was wanting a forest glade or something secluded yet, aware of the sense of drama and need for attention sometimes [not showing off, just wanting company] I started following intuition.
I found 9 conkers all in a row. And then a conker cluster - 3 in one shell. It now sits atop my whiteboard in class, quietly, contently.

I followed my intuition and came across a blackbird on a small path. I jokingly thought about next finding a deer in Greenwich park, following the sequencing of the animals in The Druid Animal Oracle. I came to where the path met with a large overhang - creating a 'nest' as such. I entered and then left the other side.
And saw.
A deer. In fact a whole enclosure. I was grinning now and continued this path, coming across a staff and then - and then - yes - a tent - someone was camping in the park and i brought back all the humbleness I needed - to help people, to be reminded of how lucky I am, despite financial problems at the moment - to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach - the fasting enforcing that idea in me today as well.

Now? Now I have fed. Tutored. played computer games. Wondered about my mum a lot as had a disturbing dream but, as not able to get hold of her and as yet, not had any odd calls/texts, gonna assume today is ok.
Right - to bed - not allowing the cat that pissed on my bed bak in my room for a while. Yes, remember what I typed yesterday - but I'm human - will probably ensue things get sorted and checked - bed!
Night night reader - hope the bugs don't bite....

Equinox II

"No food or water or sexual intercourse. From first light until sunset.
It will be enjoyable to share the breaking of the fast with someone."

I copy this from an email from a Muslim friend of mine - he works at the same place and is a very nice guy. I agreed to fast alongside the pupils for one day for a variety of reasons:

1) to get him of my back - it is best to be honest about these things and he politely asked a few times. Were it not something I'd already contemplated though, it'd have been a no,so this isn't really a true reason but is partly!
2) purification: my body, being slightly ill, being at the end of a long week/month/6 month period - thought it best t bring everything back to basics.
3) awareness - I informed the rest of the staff at my school about Ramadan without truly appreciating fasting. I vaguely recall doing similar when I was younger - a sponsored thing - but this is not raising any money - just thoughts and contemplative resources. Some people do not get food or water in a day. To make myself aware.
4) appreciation: let me not deny the bonus of getting respect from the Muslim students from them going "ooh, Mr Y, you're fasting..."
5) something to do - not being flippant though - it is rare that something new comes along to challenge me, to make me think in a different way.

Gulps remainder of water.There I will do my best to eat no food [quite easy], no drink [harder] and have no impure thoughts for today [er...]

Watch sunrise somewhere - thinking the Greenwich park - make it truly "I am here at the start of the day worldwise...."

Shower, shave, purify. Will write tonight when I have/can.
Insha' Allah?

Equinox. Re-addressing the balance

"I'm Sorry"

Two words which cme from the person's mouth about an hour ago. The person who I wrote about, the person who has sought counselling, healing, and medical advice. Who is choosing to make her life better.

I accepted.

I feel better - no more oath of anger around my neck, no more upset - by no means will I forget the damage done, and it will be a time yet for all the wounds to hel, bu the forst stones of the bridge are repalced with stronger ones. Ones that have been reflected upon, that have caused damage to ALL involved and now, hoefully, can be rebuilt upon.

With that being done, I now feel lighter, more tired, ready for tomorrow where I thank the universe for getting me to this point. My journal will soon, it seems, have to be redone. Saturn has returned in my chart.

I reflect on the ideas in the last few weeks that have occured - the year itself. More when I have time to understand all implications - but yes, the big dramatic thing I was expecting - wasn't big in action. It was small and frail - an apology.

It reminds me of how we are all fragile - how we are all affected by our emotions, and if I am to become a peacemaker in the world, then I had beter get used to being more damn humble and less proud. People do stupid things when they are angered - we only have to look at the world around us - as a teacher I break up many people about to fight all the time - for what? Damaged pride most of the time: "your mum" etc.
We live in a world that is damaged - where we all value things which, at the end of the day, are just opinions - reputatin, ego, identity - all are fragile and important yet ultimately valueless and irreplacable at the same time.
We do? Nohing. Everything. It matters not in the end it seems - but if we can make someone else's journey on the way a bit better - then surely the world is all the better for it.

itches, illness and 'I'

good evening reader
still ill but now got prescription [penicillin - 4x a day]. Itching to get back to work, itching because a few fleas found on cat [dealt with but still - itch itch]

I.

One tidy desk later, and consideration back again into family tree - doing a lot of research - trying to ascertain 100% each fact so back to basics - want to get it done by end of October on one branch as then i can buy a present for my paternal grandmother...
talking of grans
how do you make peace with someone who is too proud/upset/stubborn to apologise?
I don't know.
I've spoken to some of the people hurt in the matter. I 'think' I'm able to forgive her though it takes a lot of my damage to my pride to admit/permit that.
I made an oath that I wouldn't speak to the person until they apologised - or at least made first contact. How can I make contact, offer a branch of peace again without feeling like I'm surrendering something, giving in - is that just pride or is it something more, to feel inferior/superior - holding power...
as i type this i realise how petty it sounds, esp with so much crap already in the world. Yet the damage done, the wounds caused and lives affected - it wasn't just a simple argument. There were potentially legal implications, possible framing of crime, and I'm not too sure if i can just 'forgive' that...

Without too much detail, I helped someone out. The help resulted in things not going the person's way. The person blamed me, despite everything I did being done with permission and acceptance. But. But. not enough. The end result was a great loss to the person and things were left hanging. I tried to explain but the hurt felt was too much - I was the object and target for the hurt - and anyone who assisted was also targeted. Unfairly but then when you are in grief for loss, you don't thin straight.
Yes, I'm defending the person's actions, being able to see it in a fairer way.
Is it enough to offer friendship or should I ensure that the bridge is built? Surely it is two-way?
Time is not with me though - I have a feeling this person is getting older quickly and may be getting ill..
Bury the past and salvage the present? But how without causing an upset to the people around me who are also hurting?
Sigh

...the ties that bind us...

Pruning my life ? Erm...

Ok - so astro.com - a very good website - is informing me of this - I've got 6 days to go it seems for this effect on me - nt much has really happened - got back to school, had a cough, mark died [ not meaning to be glib, but he wasn't real close and I've had closer friends die in the past - trying to say - not a major shift or difference in my life]

So this is how it reads:
Saturn conjunction Saturn: Pruning your life
5 September 2008 until 21 September 2008: This is one of the most important times in your life. A major cycle of experience is closing, and great changes are about to take place. How great these changes are depends largely on what you have been doing with your life over the past several years. Have you been living as you feel you should or as you think others want you to? If you have been doing the latter, this influence will have a greater impact.

This influence occurs about every twenty-nine years. The first such influence occurs now that you are about twenty-nine.

Last year, many aspects of your life have begun to change. Relationships may have changed, and you may have changed your residence or your job; you have been dominated by an urgent feeling that if you don't do everything you have always wanted to do, you will never have another chance. And now, at about twenty-nine, you will feel that a substantial portion of your life has passed and that you had better get on with making it all work. If your relationship is unsatisfactory but you have been making the best of it, you will examine that relationship even more thoroughly now and may decide to end it. Certainly you will have to change it substantially. The same is true of any other aspect of your life that you have tolerated but not found very rewarding.

Consciously or unconsciously, you are pruning your life of everything that is not relevant to what you really are as a human being. If this process is not happening consciously, you may experience a sense of loss for the elements of your life that are coming to an end now. However, do not dwell upon these losses, for they are necessary in order to clear the decks for the major period of action in your life.

This is a time of endings and new beginnings. If you have built your life up to now around activities that are inappropriate for you, it will be a period of crisis. If you have been doing what you should in previous years, this influence will simply mark a time of solidification and the beginning of new phases of activity.

full moon healing

full moon tonight - looked impressive as i drove to tescos to get a set of muffins and mini bottle of red wine.
Didn't see it as i sat in my garden with said tesco merchandise and focused on healing those close to me.
still - little tired - didn't go into work today due to my lungs being sponsored by expectant.com: "for all your phlegmy chest needs..."
[cough cough]
anyhow, I'm now back inside, £35 down as my cat decided to get bitten on its lower back by another cat and required an antibiotic shot, laden with books c/o freecycle more props for cthulhu] and a floor covered in apers that i promised I'd tidy this evening.
Not yet it seems
STILL lacking a focus - wanting to learn more patience yet getting impatient doing so - ha, yes i see the irony, and learning BSL as well so keeping acive [ keeping depression away] but ultimately, like a lot of people on this spinning orb of ours, wondering what's it all for.
ideas on a postcard to...

sleep well reader...sleep well

Dr Mark Steel - RIP

 

Mark Steel died on Monday.

Who? Get comfy - this'll take a while. A few years ago I went out with a really nice guy. One of his best mates was a bloke called Mark Steel, a Senior Lecturer in Economics at Bristol Uni and he would host us staying the night when we all would go out on the lash. He had a balcony that looked over Bristol and was a great place to watch fireworks.  His health was not good in the recent months and he had deteriorated a lot. He died on Monday just gone. That's his death. His life...

His mother, from what I gather, is quite a puritan. So much so that the almighty porn stash that a single guy generally accumulates in his lifetime was discovered by her at one point and made for one of those 'anecdotal tales' down the pub. Don't ask about the welcome mat. And other such sordid and witty tales down the pub he had plenty of. He was always surrounded in stories of ventures and actions recently done, yet kept very much to himself most of the time. He was a great friend at the time of myself going out with Stephen [afore mentioned boyfriend] and offered his place, his company and his wisdom freely. He didn't have much in worldly possessions and was very happy with some audio tapes and a television for company a lot of the time.

We would go for a drink or thirty and enjoy REAL ALE in a REAL ALE pub, where people are rated by size of beard and belly, not IQ and car.

I've heard that his death, in some manners, will be a good thing, releasing him from pain. I hope this to be the case, as the world is  slightly less wittier place without such a man and, in my limited view, a poor trade off but fully understandable one. 

The Weatherspoons in Bristol will never be the same...

RIP Dr Mark Steel, Sept 8th 2008

YouTube - Flight of the Conchords Ep2 Inner City Pressure

this sums up how i feel at the moment - that and the wabbit bweasts....

went out with a gd friend from uni - still want to be her boyfriend but will wait.wait.wait...

Shift Happens

It sure does.

Ala Moore talks about the world turning to steam. 2012. This comments about the info increase and exponential growth.

I work in an academic institution. A school. In fighting. No discussions. People riling up about little stuff, big stuff - no communication. I want to just do my job an carry on working - but no, I feel obliged to involve myself somehow...

sigh

Are you well in your space of the world reader? I hope so, I hope so... watch this. Enjoy.