sliding doors, sliding friends

SLIDING VIDEO

ok this is cool...
well done oscar

gay pride/shame

4.49am - two night buses and i am now home, typing a blog entry - this can only mean two things - i'm extremely hapy or depressed - bit of both actually dear reader.
the lows of the evening - droping my drink in front of a really cute guy and basically stating " i cannot hold my alcohol - literally" t him via the media of clumsiness.
Meeting up with a guy wh turned out to be 'nice' but basically waiting for an opportunity to dump me an not admit to my face. "back in a minute..." guys - I'm 30 - wok it out - heard it before...

positives: met a really nice guy called oscar who, despite being hot, was not into me or i him and thus we had a good evening chatting, hunting for his friends and realising that we had exactly the same tastes in a few things. sigh - great on apper but in reality just friends... so when the guy we had both described came to us, flirted a little, well, he didn't stand a chance. no wait, he did, he already had a boyfriend and, to quote oscar "ws patronisingly nice and then gave us his pity goodbye speech" [paraphrased.

Lw - hit on at bus stop by desparate gay man who i had to lank to keep a distance from - hate blankking people but this was a guy who had too much to drink and wl could have got nasty.

a friend of mine confided in me lots of lows - i feel sorry for her and powerless - i hate feeling this but when she's elsewhere in the country and her situation unsolvable - what to do????

back to basics now - tidy life, get ready for work - sigh...
enjoy the evening reader - i'll try...

new terms, new ideas

term is a word that has to be spelled out in sign language. no term or term.
new term at school. more stress. half the department are leaving - no exaggeration - i do fractions, teaching maths and all.
well, it's a hot night in londinium - wondering when i'll begin to feel sleepy or at least fatigued enough to go to sleep - thinking how interesting it would be to go to a training inset session without any sleep - but don't think that'll be fair on anyone [including me..]
so - awake and trying not to lok at the piles of clean washing that need sorting, the books that need shelving, the papers that need going through, the phone with messages that need to be replied to...
what else - typing crap now just to generally do something - while chill out music assails my ears... and i contemplate whether it is i or he keyboard i am using to explain for the typos - half and half i think...

halves -
bisexual. bipolar. bisected personalities.
the ultimate two-face from batman?! well - i don;t know what to do - fight crime - not skilled enough or fit enough [ something for a whole new rant - thank you depression for ruining yet another way of fighting depression and fat...]
it's bloomin hot
the chilling music is now something else - like lift music for stoned people...

bored. irritable... fidgety
[that may be the can of coke kicking in o just restlessness and tiredness.... itchyitchy...]
ok - ending this rambling tirade of words nw - hope all well out there in sleeping comfortable land...

depression

people don't understand it - those who haven't experienced it - i'm not talking about the stuff like "i'm low coz of x, y, z" - I'm talking/writing about the suden pang of "why am i alive - fuck this - I'm going to leave everything I've worked for" state of mind which comes out of the blue/brown/grey and hits you like a slow smothering hand over your face.
Shake it off - can't.
Walk it off - exercise -when it looms you just want to give in - and sometimes, sometimes, that's what is best rather than worst - to make it done with quicker -but right now, right now i'm fighting it - eating better and typing about it - to name it - to identify it to face it.
Now, this will get reported in some manner of note on facebook later as well - but for now, for now it is observed by only those who bother looking at my blog from original source.
I'm 30 now - the 30th wheel has turned - and I wonder what is next - and i get scared - not for myself but for those around me - i can handle the monotony [scrap that, i can't - but i do a damn sight better illusion of it than others around me] - no - in all honesty i'm scared for those around me who, well, lets face it, are scared to live.
next?
next i pretend to care about my job and get ready for work - i pretend to give two shits about the future of some kids who, ultimately, don't give two shits about themselves and who will end up recycling the same garbage - goodness, i'm on a rant right now.
should i stop - naah - those people who claim to know me - read my words and enjoy the thoughts of the darker side of my mind. but don't comment or tell me it'll get better or cheer up or such - it's crap. stephen fry is bipolar. my mother is depressive. my father is depressive. my grandmother has mental health issues. my father is losing his memory.
my headspace is out to lunch...

10 zulus buggered my cat

and other facial nerves...

yes, thus was the conversation in my car as I finished BSL this evening, drove someone back in the snowglobe effect environs as I went to pick up the cat-mans LARP gear for this weekend.
make much sense - not really - but thus is my world. I work in a school teaching a subject I'm not trained in, where the students I each are a mix of excellent and diabolical, their home lives make me grin, despair and worry and ultimately I long to be a student again, having fun, drinking odd concoctions and to only worry about an essay rather than 45 students grades...
but heck - life ain't like that - apparently I'm a professional and we take things one step at a time - not looking at the unreachable goals we set ourselves but looking down to see how far we have come. For me, and for those reading this on facebook, do not worry - I am fine. I just worry about those around me: the student who is beaten by a parent, the depressives who harm themselves in many ways, the colleagues who work under management blind, or uncaring, to their needs and a friend or sixteen who despertely need more self confidence once more.
People - you're all fabulous - be true to yourselves and have a great weekend - i'll be in an iron age hut being cold, non-miserable, drunk on mead and looking into the flames of the past - enjoy your snow-filled durations...

they're com-ing....

mobile no more?

This blog started off with me travelling - I'm now getting to a point where i don't want to travel so much, though i still yearn for foreign climes and ultimately know that I will move to another country within the next few years.
But, and saying this in a anything can happen way, know that I'm probably not going anywhere for a bit [bar holidays].
Now - now, I'm without a mobile phone and it feels nice knowing that I have t initiate contact with people, although those people who really need to get hold of know where I live and should have my landline I'm freer, richer and less bothered by people just 'checking up on me' - ironically I complain when peopel don't contact me as well but there we go - sometimes we need some space to ourselves, and sometimes we need people around.
I'm well, a little tired, preparing for a LARP this coming w/e and thinking about next week and visiting family. It'll be the first time I see my grandmother's new house, and I'm a little daunted by the amount of continual travelling I do - when will I settle??