depression, no work today

Storm.. in the morning light
I feel
No more can I say
Frozen to myself

thank you portishead.

LARP and loving it?

role playing: the immersion of yourself into a role different to yourself, and a type of escapism.
SO, when surrounded by 17-20 year olds who wanted to continually refer to tables, comment bout their armour class and what levels they were, I was not having a good time.
Luckily, I was with some old friends and some newly made ones - got drunk, and entered into the world of uni drinking.
again.
BUT - and this is important - my tolerance for both extraneous activity AND drinking is lowering. Quickly. I slept. quickly. And resulted in getting a bit drunk after a good meal and promptly entering the world of sleep. Due to the ability to sleep anywhere i feel safe, I closed my eyes - had a powernap. Then another. Then moved to the other sofa so wasn't in the way of trhose talking [yes, left the campsite when we realised we were not gonna have great fun playing munchkin...]
I'm now typing while everyone else has retired as, yes, I've slept, they haven' - they're drunk I'm now sober[ish] and alone.
So loving it?
No.
I need my old stamina back - I'm becoming outsider in my own groups of friends due to lacking in energy. OR needing more sleep. Or, frankly, self choice on some weird subconscious level as i'm not able to keep up pace anymore???
30 in November. still youngest in this group of friends right now - yet here i am, typing, and they are now sleeping [just before 6am now]
too many thoughts now of negative inclination - now feeling bad in itself, just aware that alcohol, loneliness and general state of needing to be awake/asleep is not conducive to a strong mental health package.
Good night - I'm, good. just needing to accept where i am again before i move one - again.

initial thoughts

well - last night did the ritual of initiation - I am now starting on the path of Bard - new moon - seemed right time - new room, new space.
All good.

Posted some pics up in facebook of me with alan moore. got lots of response quickly as well - lots of envious people out there *G*
better get ready for work
sigh

hope you are well...

briefly

shouted in school.

#hate doing so but heck the kids ake me so annoyed at times - esp when they are choosing not to learn
Anyhow - that aside - running my roleplaying game on Friday - planning for that. not got any idea what to teach my year 8s can't plan for that - improv. tastic.

tired - hungry - unsure what to do re druidry but will try again tomorrow night methinks - shaving first as well...
hope you're well

late at night

first night, properly, in my new room - more space for stuff - books - thoughts
that and the fact that I've scoffed my way through a box of caramel shortcakes from sainsburys - yumyum - but caffeine/sugar.. hehhehhe
no sleep for paul. And i've got to try and organise a fortnight's worth of lessons yet before i go to sleep -and preferably tidy up the fuzz that is my face...

check list:
orderd cable for camera - yep
done things on freecycle - yep

writ the lessons and shave - off i go and do that - sigh - doesn't seem to really matter though as had a friend phone me today with info that his ex fiance has recently committed suicide. Puts things in perspective. I didn't know her but I know him and know the large ripples that his unrest will cause - he's a great friend and I worry for him - so inviting him to London will hopefully help..
hugs to all in my home town who may have known her..

Sleep well all

good start

pah
ok - so: single. split amicably but wasn't working [clash of personalities etc.]
just painted my room - yay - feel like a kid and an adult at same time.
about to go buy a smaller roller - hehehe - look at me - all growing up..

last night went for a drive in some chariots, night before found solace in some alcohol -and some more.. and some more. got home at 5. grin
yay - i'm almost reverting to old lifestyle...
but..
not.
don't worry people - all cool - just needing a little more me time then normal service resumed. rejection - who DOES handle it well?

1 month, 7 days, what a difference it can make

Yes.
here has been a disruption to the normal service of random thoughts etc from my head due to a few differing situations in my life.
None of them bad per se, but all of them needing some working out, and without the thoughts of ochers interrupting, no matter how well intended.
There is an ex of mine traveling in search of answers for his spirituality. I have wished him well and hope for all the best for him.
Myself - my spirituality has asked of me one question - am i ready to commit to something more than myself. The chaos and randomness of my life is seeking order yet i refrain from holding it still - letting it wonder I have recently played a priest of Loki, the trickster, and if that wasn't a opportunity to get rid of al the non-committal, I don't know what is. So amused I was to see the latest issue of Touchstone, the druid magazine, discussing Loki - only a little footnote but amusing nonetheless. Something is steering things for me...

I've also, tentatively entered into courting/dating someone - unsure how it is going, but he is a really nice guy, with nothing about him to dissuade me from making a go of it - its just my head space, trying to get a 'fix' on things. perhaps all will fit into place shortly?

work wise - I'm teaching maths full on - having taken the classes of someone else - the school staff are playing political power games to get everyone happy - won't mention names, but needless to say, loyalties are being tested - primarily to self and department, but heck, how do you get things done - druidic learning studying here - diplomacy and subtle words in backgrounds - i feel partially Machiavellian and partly like a character from Shakespeare's tragedies... not Iago, just touchstone...

ah - the looops of thought echoing one another. So now, I am left in a place where there are tents drying round me [not metaphor but wet weather after a really good mayfest LARP], my room is in transference stages - trying to sort out new room from old with stuff - yes mum, will be down soon to collect remainder of stuff..

hugs to everyone reading this - apologies been a long time coming, and if anyone wondering where the emoition is - it's coz i'm knackered. lots going on - this should become a daily writing again shortluy - lemme just get the room sorted first.. which colour...