depression

people don't understand it - those who haven't experienced it - i'm not talking about the stuff like "i'm low coz of x, y, z" - I'm talking/writing about the suden pang of "why am i alive - fuck this - I'm going to leave everything I've worked for" state of mind which comes out of the blue/brown/grey and hits you like a slow smothering hand over your face.
Shake it off - can't.
Walk it off - exercise -when it looms you just want to give in - and sometimes, sometimes, that's what is best rather than worst - to make it done with quicker -but right now, right now i'm fighting it - eating better and typing about it - to name it - to identify it to face it.
Now, this will get reported in some manner of note on facebook later as well - but for now, for now it is observed by only those who bother looking at my blog from original source.
I'm 30 now - the 30th wheel has turned - and I wonder what is next - and i get scared - not for myself but for those around me - i can handle the monotony [scrap that, i can't - but i do a damn sight better illusion of it than others around me] - no - in all honesty i'm scared for those around me who, well, lets face it, are scared to live.
next?
next i pretend to care about my job and get ready for work - i pretend to give two shits about the future of some kids who, ultimately, don't give two shits about themselves and who will end up recycling the same garbage - goodness, i'm on a rant right now.
should i stop - naah - those people who claim to know me - read my words and enjoy the thoughts of the darker side of my mind. but don't comment or tell me it'll get better or cheer up or such - it's crap. stephen fry is bipolar. my mother is depressive. my father is depressive. my grandmother has mental health issues. my father is losing his memory.
my headspace is out to lunch...

10 zulus buggered my cat

and other facial nerves...

yes, thus was the conversation in my car as I finished BSL this evening, drove someone back in the snowglobe effect environs as I went to pick up the cat-mans LARP gear for this weekend.
make much sense - not really - but thus is my world. I work in a school teaching a subject I'm not trained in, where the students I each are a mix of excellent and diabolical, their home lives make me grin, despair and worry and ultimately I long to be a student again, having fun, drinking odd concoctions and to only worry about an essay rather than 45 students grades...
but heck - life ain't like that - apparently I'm a professional and we take things one step at a time - not looking at the unreachable goals we set ourselves but looking down to see how far we have come. For me, and for those reading this on facebook, do not worry - I am fine. I just worry about those around me: the student who is beaten by a parent, the depressives who harm themselves in many ways, the colleagues who work under management blind, or uncaring, to their needs and a friend or sixteen who despertely need more self confidence once more.
People - you're all fabulous - be true to yourselves and have a great weekend - i'll be in an iron age hut being cold, non-miserable, drunk on mead and looking into the flames of the past - enjoy your snow-filled durations...

they're com-ing....

mobile no more?

This blog started off with me travelling - I'm now getting to a point where i don't want to travel so much, though i still yearn for foreign climes and ultimately know that I will move to another country within the next few years.
But, and saying this in a anything can happen way, know that I'm probably not going anywhere for a bit [bar holidays].
Now - now, I'm without a mobile phone and it feels nice knowing that I have t initiate contact with people, although those people who really need to get hold of know where I live and should have my landline I'm freer, richer and less bothered by people just 'checking up on me' - ironically I complain when peopel don't contact me as well but there we go - sometimes we need some space to ourselves, and sometimes we need people around.
I'm well, a little tired, preparing for a LARP this coming w/e and thinking about next week and visiting family. It'll be the first time I see my grandmother's new house, and I'm a little daunted by the amount of continual travelling I do - when will I settle??