feeling left out

A friend of mine is soon to get married.
tonight was his stag night.
Like many good stag dos, you invite those people you want to make it a good night.
I was not on the list.

Yet my housemate was. My housemate who is in his 60s. My housemate who agreed to have two people here to stay the night from the stag do. I think that is why my housemate got his invite. That and he has known the groom for much longer than I.

So, when my housemate has decided to go away for the weekend, and I thought - excellent house to myslef, and then get told the night before he's gong that people will be staying, from the stag do I'v not been invited to, I was instantly given a range of emotions to play with.
Bitterness / anger / resentment / loss / neglect / ...

Yet I have played perfect host, EVEN WHEN they ALL turn up and play rounds of cards for a few hours downstairs while I try to sleep.
How can I not feel upset? I'm a human being who, while putting on a brave face, have had NOONE to go out with for over two months now. I'm feeling like my life is s lowly dripping away and my mates are all getting with their lives - getting married, buying property, having children - perhas this is the key issue but it was all epitimised by the 6 guys downstairs playing cards.

I'm lonely. tired. upset. an now can't sleep on a night where the clocks go back and I could have been out [would have been out perhaps one lifetime ago]...

I'm impatient with being patient...

ups and downs, going in circles

I am physically unwell
therefore
I need to rest
therfore
I need to stay at home
therefore
My mental healt starts deteriorating
therefore
I need to get some exercise
therefore I need to be physically well
but
I am physically unwell... so...

Welcome o my world. The school I am at are asking for me to write ofsted level of cover- which I am not going to do - but have provided the school with the cover I'd normally do - I asked HOD to look it over and noone got back to me so assume it was ok.
now - i need to rest - but with no money I ned to tutor - which prevents rest and so the circle continues

my mind is not in a great place.
I am lonely. tired. tired of being stuck indoors. of being frustrated. of being stck in this country. of feeling alone. of.. of... [making excuses?]

i dunno - all i want is a room somewhere -

Coke and the Devil

Coca-cola vs Belching out the devil

This si the argument that is about to occur in my brain in the next few days. I'm going to be reading Mark Thomas' new book, Belching Out The Devil.

He will be attacking the company [or, rather, has attacked already and I will be rading about it so the tense is past present?] and I will ned to make a decision about the world. Globalisation. Itll be the next step towards me either becoming a 'treehugger', a protestor, an activist, or a daily mil reader laughing at those 'hippy-world-lovers, driving a BMW some more'...

Cough
Still home from work - gonna be working on the family tree, some more druidry stuff and the life in general.
Sigh. You ok reader? I'm dreaming of dead people...

99.3%

Got this in an email - I'm off work due to tonsilitis not clearing up and coughing loads - so doc signed me off for a week - gonna phone the school tomorrow - reading it actally due to not knowing how a week of will be tken - but will take it al as I need the rest it seems - and the worst time to go in is when you're STARTING to feel better - becuse then you get knowcked for 6.
sigh
here we are - again - learning from being still...

back to this email:
Dear friends,

Canada, France and Italy are threatening to break their poverty promises by slashing aid budgets. Sign the petition to stop them -- and poverty expert Jeff Sachs will deliver our messages to world leaders gathered at the UN this week!

World leaders gather this Thursday at the United Nations to renew the fight against extreme poverty. But three countries -- France, Canada, and Italy -- are threatening to undermine the world's anti poverty efforts, by slashing their development aid budgets and breaking their international promises.

Sarkozy, Harper, and Berlusconi promised to contribute 0.7% of their national income to fighting poverty -- aid money that would save millions of lives, and still leave these donor countries with 99.3% of their money. But apparently, they think 99.3% is not enough.

Our best chance to keep these rich countries to their word on aid delivery is to raise the alarm in New York this week. Sign our petition now, spread it to friends and family -- and our friend, world famous economist and top UN official on poverty, Jeffrey Sachs will deliver it in speeches to the assembled heads of state at the UN summit this Thursday. The more names on the petition, the stronger the message that promises on poverty must be kept. Click below to sign now:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/poverty_promise_breakers

We know that public outcries like this one can work -- because massive people-powered movements have transformed the fight against poverty over the last decade. The Jubilee movement cancelled hundreds of billions in dictator debt in 2000, and pushed world leaders to adopt the Millennium Development Goals to cut world poverty in half by 2015. In 2005, poverty campaigners the world over won commitments from G8 leaders to double aid to Africa. Because of these efforts millions of poverty related deaths have been stopped and millions more children are attending school, sleeping under anti-Malaria bed nets, and drinking clean water. Denmark, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Norway and Sweden have all exceeded the 0.7% target and in this year aid rose in real terms in nine EU countries. If all countries stick to their promises, programmes fighting disease and alleviating extreme poverty could be scaled up across the world.

But this year, some rich-country leaders apparently think that the public no longer cares about poverty. In Canada, which kept 99.7% of its income last year, Stephen Harper seems more interested in winning his election than in upholding Canada's tradition of moral leadership. France's Sarkozy, for all of his diplomatic efforts, appears to think that his people don't care about lives and deaths beyond his borders. And in Italy -- already one of the stingiest donors in the world -- Berlusconi appears happy to slash crucial funding, even though, as host of next year's G8 summit, his actions set an example for the other richest countries.

French and Italian Avaaz members are already flooding their governments with thousands of messages about aid. But those of us in the rest of the world can play a crucial role as well--sending Harper, Sarkozy, and Berlusconi a clear signal that we expect them to keep to their word -- so please help us raise an outcry that can't be ignored at the UN summit:

http://www.avaaz.org/en/poverty_promise_breakers

In recent years, millions have been galvanized by a vision: that ours can be the generation that ends extreme poverty. With other crises vying for our attention, the strength of this vision is now being tested. Let's join together and ensure that leaders keep their promises -- so that the promise of human potential in even the poorest communities can be unleashed.

With hope,

Ben, Alice, Ricken, Graziela, Paul, Milena, Iain, Veronique, Brett -- the entire Avaaz team

PS: For a report on Avaaz's campaigning so far, see: https://secure.avaaz.org/en/report_back_2

Sources:

Fact sheet on Official Development Assistance from rich countries:
http://www.oecd.org/dataoecd/27/55/40381862.pdf

More on the Millennium Development Goals:
http://www.un.org/millenniumgoals/

Bono and Jeffrey Sachs' blog on the poverty debate this week in New York:
http://blogs.ft.com/mdg/

To learn more about the international campaigning that has moved governments in recent years, see:
http://www.whiteband.org and http://www.inmyname.com/ and http://www.one.org/international/

More on concern about France's meeting 0.7% targets see:
http://www.oecd.org/document/45/0,,en_2649_201185_40948205_1_1_1_1,00

More on Canada's backtracking on 0.7% commitment:
http://www.canada.com/ottawacitizen/news/story.html?id=9c489487-aab9-477c-babf-5d109566df2f&p=2

To see the 2008 report on governmental aid to Africa see:
http://www.one.org/report/en/press.html

To learn about Jeffrey Sachs' work on UN Millennium Development Goals see:
http://www.unmillenniumproject.org

To see examples of how aid is working see:
http://www.millenniumpromise.org and http://www.mdgmonitor.org/factsheets.cfm

weirdness and weirdos - belching with coke

Cthulhu - film coming out soon - nuff siad there - dribble dribble [gay men and lovecraft - happy times ahead then!]
went to book reading of mark thomas - mark thomas was god. his forum group were... er... erm... "very nice people but I don't my children hanging around that house anymore..." people.
Some people should stay online. Some should not. Myself and my friend from Devon did not Unfortunately neither did they...

"Look - its a dancing table look, it's imaginary - I'm not real."
Thank you....

Read the book - enjoy.

Equinox III

blackbird leads to deer...
check.

on first approach to Greenwich park, I wondered where would be best - I was wanting a forest glade or something secluded yet, aware of the sense of drama and need for attention sometimes [not showing off, just wanting company] I started following intuition.
I found 9 conkers all in a row. And then a conker cluster - 3 in one shell. It now sits atop my whiteboard in class, quietly, contently.

I followed my intuition and came across a blackbird on a small path. I jokingly thought about next finding a deer in Greenwich park, following the sequencing of the animals in The Druid Animal Oracle. I came to where the path met with a large overhang - creating a 'nest' as such. I entered and then left the other side.
And saw.
A deer. In fact a whole enclosure. I was grinning now and continued this path, coming across a staff and then - and then - yes - a tent - someone was camping in the park and i brought back all the humbleness I needed - to help people, to be reminded of how lucky I am, despite financial problems at the moment - to have a roof over my head and food in my stomach - the fasting enforcing that idea in me today as well.

Now? Now I have fed. Tutored. played computer games. Wondered about my mum a lot as had a disturbing dream but, as not able to get hold of her and as yet, not had any odd calls/texts, gonna assume today is ok.
Right - to bed - not allowing the cat that pissed on my bed bak in my room for a while. Yes, remember what I typed yesterday - but I'm human - will probably ensue things get sorted and checked - bed!
Night night reader - hope the bugs don't bite....

Equinox II

"No food or water or sexual intercourse. From first light until sunset.
It will be enjoyable to share the breaking of the fast with someone."

I copy this from an email from a Muslim friend of mine - he works at the same place and is a very nice guy. I agreed to fast alongside the pupils for one day for a variety of reasons:

1) to get him of my back - it is best to be honest about these things and he politely asked a few times. Were it not something I'd already contemplated though, it'd have been a no,so this isn't really a true reason but is partly!
2) purification: my body, being slightly ill, being at the end of a long week/month/6 month period - thought it best t bring everything back to basics.
3) awareness - I informed the rest of the staff at my school about Ramadan without truly appreciating fasting. I vaguely recall doing similar when I was younger - a sponsored thing - but this is not raising any money - just thoughts and contemplative resources. Some people do not get food or water in a day. To make myself aware.
4) appreciation: let me not deny the bonus of getting respect from the Muslim students from them going "ooh, Mr Y, you're fasting..."
5) something to do - not being flippant though - it is rare that something new comes along to challenge me, to make me think in a different way.

Gulps remainder of water.There I will do my best to eat no food [quite easy], no drink [harder] and have no impure thoughts for today [er...]

Watch sunrise somewhere - thinking the Greenwich park - make it truly "I am here at the start of the day worldwise...."

Shower, shave, purify. Will write tonight when I have/can.
Insha' Allah?